Hey, Buddy, Just Heard About Your Divorce, And Wanted To Say… Can I Get That Wedding Gift Back?
I don’t know what to say, man, except that if a couple as great as you and Pam couldn’t work it out, who among us can? Oh, and also, did you guys ever even open that gravy boat we gave you for your wedding? No big deal, but you never sent a thank you note. Dude, you know I don’t care, but Claire, well, let’s say she’s mentioned it. More than once. Pretty much every time she’s on Facebook and sees the photos you posted of you and Pam in Paris, which we now recognize as a last desperate attempt to salvage what you could from your 10 years together. Yeah, we pay that much attention to your photos because, hey, looking for the old gravy B, you know? (Spoiler alert: we’ve never seen it.)
Look, man, don’t worry. Life, right? You and Pam gave it all you had, probably, and if our gift is still in the box, I want you to know that’s completely fine to just give it back to me that way. Come to think of it, you two are probably busy splitting all of your worldly possessions into two sad new little homes, so if you want, just leave it on our back porch when you’re carting your comic book collection over to the U-Store-It late at night, after another fight about where it all went wrong.
Buddy, I bet you’re regretting a lot of things right now, like that time Pam talked you into going to that Queen tribute artist concert and then you got us to join you, but you and Pam fought so loud during “We are the Champions” that we all were asked to leave, and then Pam wouldn’t talk to any of us for three weeks, even when we came over for her birthday, until Claire cried, and then Pam caved and let us have some of her ice cream cake, but you weren’t allowed to have any because ice cream makes you gassy. That’s was rough, man. But listen, you totally do not have to regret never using that gravy boat. It’s not like its pristine condition will surprise us. Even when we gave it to you, we were like, really? A gravy boat? From Pottery Barn? Who thinks they’re all fancy now? What are they going to do, serve Domino’s wings in it?
We’ll miss coming over for wings on game nights with you two, by the way. Although, on the other hand, we won’t have to come up with excuses to get you both out of the kitchen so we can search for that gravy boat, since we knew you wouldn’t even notice if we took it. Did you know it cost $79? And that was 10 years ago, back when none of us had money to burn, God, remember back then? Youth! I just happen to recollect the price because it was exactly $59 more than the gift you ended up giving us at our wedding a few months later, a tub of three different kinds of popcorn (cheesy, caramel, and, kinda, plain-ish?) from the Harry & David outlet. Harry & David is fancy, but not as fancy as Pottery Barn, dude.
I can’t even imagine what it’s like to be you right now. I’m sure you have just a ton on your mind, and we are here for you. Oh, and by the way, if I haven’t mentioned it, me and Claire are pretty sure Pottery Barn would still let us return that gravy boat. I mean, we could probably get store credit, at least, which works out great because Claire’s had her eye on a home-brewing kit that’s exclusive to them for years now, so you really would be doing us a solid. It’s good to remember that even at our darkest moments, there is light: the love, concern, and care of old friends, yes, but also, Pottery Barn’s iconic Heart of Iron line is still in production, so the likelihood is really good that they’ll take ye olde GB back! Also, if I haven’t mentioned, we are really sorry your world is collapsing around you.
Ok, look, at times like this I think it’s important to be honest. I shouldn’t hide behind my wife. Honestly, I have never liked Pam, not since she insisted that the corner pieces are “for the birthday girl.” Also, it’s me that’s on Facebook all the time — I’m the one making cutting little comments like, “They are NOT the champions…of basic manners!” And it’s me who wants that Pottery Barn home-brewing kit, which comes with a customizable emblem! So cool. Also, Claire actually liked the popcorn tub. She’s always said it was “whimsical.” God, it feels good to be honest, which is a good lesson for you, if you ever find another woman to love you.
And yeah, ok, it’s me who’s always been a little P.O.’d that you guys didn’t send us a thank you note. But there’s still time, my man: you can apologize. I’d love to let you buy me a beer, so we can really talk through all of this, the divorce stuff, yes, and where your kids are going to end up, and what you will do for work since Pam’s dad owns the accounting firm, etc. but also, the way your actions, or lack of actions, hurt others, which may be the reason you have no one to love.
And you can bring the gravy boat then! Perfect. Lemme know. Here for you, friendo.