Hi, Billy Mays Here With Multiple Hostages!
Take advantage of this offer while supplies last!
Hi, Billy Mays here in a barricaded Applebee’s, ready to talk to you about my ransom demands!
Tired of having your loved ones at the mercy of a desperate madman? Most captives could cost you hundreds of thousands of dollars to be released, but I have a special, limited-time offer!
For less than $3,000, everyone will be released unharmed! Simply call with your credit card ready and provide me with a fully fueled helicopter ready to go!
That’s a fourteen hostage value for only six easy payments of $499.99!
This incredible offer won’t last long! Call now, and I won’t have to off anyone to show you I am serious!
But don’t take my word for it! Look at my hostages for yourself! You can see the abject terror on their faces. A true pants-less lunatic can only create that kind of sheer panic. I am not bluffing, and they know it!
But wait, there’s more! Call now and receive my manifesto against modern society for free! That’s a rambling, incoherent, and unedited 150-page value for no extra cost and no money down! It’s that easy!
That’s right, all fourteen hostages and a free book for only three easy payments of $999.99.
State doctors said I was a danger to myself and others who should never be released into society. They said I was crazy. For a deal this good, they must be right!
But that’s not all! Call in the next fifteen minutes, and I will throw in a free tub of extra strength OxiClean I found in the storage closet where I corralled customers and staff members!
The power to end their lives is in my hands, but the power to save them is in yours.
Life is precious and limited, so act fast!
Pay separately for shipping and handling.
