Hitler Will Never Be Killed

If you haven’t been paying attention, over the past few days the wonderful writers at Slackjaw have been engaged in a beautiful back and forth on whether it’s possible to travel back in time and kill Hitler, so much so that Gutbloom has officially declared Killing Hitler to be the first official “longform meme.”

Well, like any good citizen of the internet, when I see the word “meme,” I immediately need to offer my own minor variation on it before the market becomes completely saturated. When Buzzfeed writes their official “OMG The TOP 34 Longform Killing Hitler Memes,” mine better be on the list.

So, following the clickstream of You Can’t Kill Hitler > Adolph Hitler: Time Jacker > You Probably Can’t Kill Baby Hitler > There’s No Need to Kill Babies to Kill Baby Hitler, I now officially offer my own thoughts: why Hitler will never be killed…

So you’re sitting at a bar, sipping some exotic drink that tastes like expired ketchup and wasted money. You’re browsing Reddit on your phone, alone, because all of your friends refuse to go to bars with you anymore. You don’t understand why; so what if you have a reputation for getting drunk on overpriced tomato juice and spending the night rambling about how you’ve invented time travel? Your friends are just stupid, you guess.

As your brain struggles to justify the cruel and unusual punishment being inflicted on your tongue, you start to focus more and more on how to get your friends back. Last time you were with them you vomited in the margaritas you bought them, though considering your taste in alcohol they probably wouldn’t have noticed. Still, they were pretty pissed.

You’re gonna have to do something big to get your friends back.

And that’s when you think of it, the one thing that would make anyone (except maybe Pat Robertson) fall back in love with you: kill baby Hitler. It’s every American’s dream, go back in time and ruthlessly murder the infant form of the inspiration for the Wolfenstein 3D villain.

Mecha-Hitler from Wolfenstein 3D, inspired by Adolph Hitler.

Actually killing baby Hitler wasn’t that hard. You take the time machine you already invented, place it in a DeLorean (because we’re all reference-happy internet nerds here), travel back to Hitler’s birthplace (address luckily found on Wikipedia), pump yourself full of meth until you can’t tell that the little doughy ball you’re pointing a gun at is actually a baby, and pull the trigger.

Easy as pie.

So you head back to the future, run to your friends and tell them the good news:

“hey, I killed Hitler!”


“Hitler, you know, the most evil man in the history of the world?”

“I don’t know, I’ve never heard of him. The most evil man has gotta be Adrian Chetler”

You’ve never heard of this “Chetler” before, so you pull out your phone and ask Siri, who kindly responds with, “Wow. Did you never take history? Chetler was the most evil man in the history of the world. He founded the Bratzi party in 1930s Germany and nearly exterminated all the Jews during WWII. Maybe you should roll out from under your rock of ignorance every now and then…”

Still desiring to impress your friends, you tell them that you’ll go back and kill Chetler. They shrug their shoulders, but you swear on your heart in a moment so dramatic that it could be a scene in an anime.

In what feels like slow-motion with patriotic music in the background, you march towards you DeLorean and head back to the past.

Same plan; shot of meth in you, shot of bullet in a baby.

You’ve now killed two of these.

Rush back to the future, and exclaim to your friends that you killed baby Chetler!

Except they have no clue who you’re talking about; the only evil German fascist leader they know is Abel Botler. Your friends are unimpressed that you just killed an innocent baby, though, to say the least.

You’re getting mad now. You swear that you’ll kill this Botler character. You go back in time and kill him, only to return to the future to see that a new German fascist, Adelard Jatler, had taken the crown for evil supreme. You are not pleased.

So you decided that you need to adjust your plan a bit. You go back in time and kill baby Jatler, but you decide to stick around awhile. Once you see another potential fascist dictator pop up, you’ll just put a quick cap in him and the world will stay safe.

However, as you stay in post-WWI Germany, you realize that that’s not as easy as you thought. So many potential threats keep popping up, and it becomes harder and harder for a normal dude like you to keep eliminating them. You need a higher platform from which to shoot down your targets.

You download the e-book, “1920s German Political Manipulation for Dummies,” and slowly make your way up in the government. You form your own party to A. assist you in your rise to power, and B. help you eliminate any new threats. You also keep taking more and more meth, because it’s getting increasingly harder to kill everybody who seems like they could possibly be a threat to leading Germany when you’ve got a conscience running.

As you gain more power, people start wanting to bring you down. They fear you, even though you know that you’re the one saving them. Conscience fully gone, you start eliminating all those who threaten your mission to keep the people of Germany, and with them the world, safe.

The ends will justify the means.

In order to gain public support, you start campaigning on xenophobia and anti-semitism. It’s easy to maintain the support of the people when you tell them that literally everybody else is an enemy. And if you’re in power, you’ll keep the world safe.

However, words aren’t just enough for the people now. You’ve trained them to hate foreigners; you now worry that if they don’t get to attack some foreigners soon, you’ll lose favor. And then you won’t be able to spot the next Hitler. So you start expanding Germany a bit, take over a country here and there, nothing too big, just enough to satisfy the urges of the people. Other countries are getting mad, threatening war, but they don’t know what you know. They don’t know that all you’re trying to do is prevent a new Hitler from taking over Germany. They just don’t understand!

And that is why Hitler will never be killed.

Ignatius N exists to write various things that you may enjoy reading. If you found this worth reading, please hit “recommend” or click the little “share” icon (whatever it looks like now) and send this piece to all of your friends that won’t send me hate mail in return.

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