Hold meetings like a rockstar — but without the sex, drugs or fun.

Matthew Reeves
Apr 11, 2017 · 2 min read
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Meetings are like tantric sex where you hold back rage instead of orgasm.

Become an expert at disagreeing with people you don’t like and learn how to hold a meeting like a rockstar with these 6 tips.

1. Be AT LEAST Two Hours Late

One hour late is on time in lots of cultures. Avoid looking laid back or cultured by being at least two hours late.

Insist the meeting hasn’t started until you arrive. The meeting already happened? It can’t have, because I’m not fucking here, yeah? Start it again.

2. Bark Questions At The Audience

How are we doing Miami?! I. CAN’T. HEAR. YOU!

Some nobody: Sorry I was on mute, this is Minneapolis?

3. Kick-off with New Stuff Nobody Cares About

Here’s a little something we just wrote, I think you’re going to love it. I call this one… Our Omni-customer Manifesto! Take it away Sharon.

4. Stop The Meeting to Complain About The Audience

Are you fucking serious?! I come in here; I lead you idiots. You people need me.

I. Can. See. The. Future.

LOOK?! Three of you aren’t even smiling and nodding at what I’m saying.

Put your hand up if you are not excited about my plan to re-invigorate, repackage and rebirth the merchant/acquirer paradigm?!

5. Throw an AppleTV Out of Window

Have you ever tried to rip a flat-screen VESA mount from the wall? Tried to fit a TV complete with wheelie-stand through a window?

Don’t be a fucking embarrassment, be a modern rockstar CEO and jettison an AppleTV or Chrome stick. Put a Roku into free-fall.

6. The Encore.

Avoid people slipping out of meetings early by putting the stuff people wanted right at the end.

EXAMPLE: One more thing. We will be going ahead with all your bonuses.

But also we fired our Steve. Yeah, it just wasn’t working out. His stocks would have vested in 2 days, and he was always taking time off to visit that kid of his. That one with the Leukaemia.

Just not a culture fit. Not a team player.

BONUS: If you’ve started late enough (Tip 1), you’ll have successfully exerted dominance by disrupting everyone’s travel home.

Success! Now you are a true meeting rockstar.


Medium humor. Large laughs.

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Matthew Reeves

Written by

Classically trained internet user. Fashionably late adopter.



Medium humor. Large laughs.

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