Holiday Movies Netflix Can Still Crank Out Real Fast Before Christmas
A Christmas Wrench — Christy McNicholas trips on a wrench on Christmas morning and stumbles into the arms of a professional Santa Claus impersonator. After a low stakes crisis involving a gingerbread house competition, they finally kiss and, we assume, get married, and die in each other’s arms at the age of 99.
The Eggnog Before Christmas — At the annual office holiday party, Jeffrey Chestnuts III learns about the real meaning of Christmas, after getting hammered on eggnog spiked by his beautiful, personality-free coworker whose name we never learn. Once she becomes Mrs. Chestnuts, the personality-free coworker works her way up through the ranks, takes over the company, and fires her own husband. Then she buys a horse and rides it around Vermont.
Bradeneezer Scrooge — A totally ripped dude named Brad doesn’t care about Christmas, he only cares about supermodels. Little does he know, the latest supermodel to cross his path is actually the spirit of Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer trapped in the body of a supermodel named Frenchie. Frenchie/Rudolph takes Brad through a series of fashion shows past, present, and future, and he sees himself failing to pick up any supermodels after his Instagram influencer status fades. In an ending many will call “Uhhhh, is this okay? Isn’t she an animal?” Brad and Frenchie finally get together and probably get married.
The Snowoman’s Cottage — A beautiful, but somehow bespectacled, writer moves into a cottage somewhere in Scandinavia. She longs to write the next great American novel, but discovers her actual passion and talent lie in building snowmen. She builds an entire village of snowmen, giving them each a distinctive personality and flair. She goes absolutely mad and burns down her cottage, but is saved at the last moment by a rugged drifter. They get married and start a snowman-building business, which inevitably fails but at least they have each other. And some snowmen. But not the cottage, the cottage is still burned down.
A Hanukkah Wrench — Same as A Christmas Wrench but it’s all during Hanukkah, and instead of Santa Claus it’s just a regular guy.
The Christmas Puppy — Claire’s hapless boyfriend, Chad, gets her a puppy to make up for all the time he spends in the office. While walking the puppy, she meets another man also with a puppy. Claire, Chad, and this other guy with a puppy all move in together and share a bed. The rest of it is just the puppies speaking English to each other but the people can’t understand them, only we can. You know, one of those types of things. But it’s always clear that the sleeping situation is causing a lot of sexual tension between the humans. At some point the puppies make friends with an owl, and there’s some snow.
An Infinity Scarf For Jaclyn — An infinity scarf designer named Jaclyn is in a creative rut and can’t think of a single new infinity scarf design. A magical man falls down her chimney, and with him, brings a beautiful vintage scarf the likes of which Jaclyn has never seen. She copies the design and becomes a millionaire. At a party celebrating her vast wealth, the magical man reappears. She realizes he’s quite a dish. Just as he is trying to approach her, a concerned look on his face, Jaclyn’s infinity scarf gets caught on the caviar spoon and strangles her to death.
Peppermint Patricia — Patricia is LONELY. Wowie, she is so lonely. And she loves peppermint hot cocoa. She stalks the barista who’s been making her cocoas. The manager calls the cops, but it’s too late, she’s already abducted the barista and locked him in a cozy shack. The manager rushes to the shack, tricks Patricia into thinking there is a natural well of peppermint cocoa just beneath the ground out back. While Patricia is digging, the manager rescues the barista and flees the scene. When Patricia finds there is no well of cocoa, she screams into the heavens. A bear hears her and emerges from the woods. Patricia is consumed by the bear.
’Til The Cows Come Home (For Christmas) — Cynthia has lost her cows, and for some really high stakes reason we don’t even need to bother explaining, she NEEDS to get the cows back by Christmas Day, otherwise her ranch will be auctioned off to the highest bidder. Just when it seems like it’s too late, a busty young millionaire who loves cowgirls comes to Cynthia’s aid, and her bed. The two women eventually own all the cows in the country, and have a monopoly on organic milk and love.
