Hope Flips

“Exiting Trump officials get tepid response on job market” — The Hill headline

Dear Sir,

I’m writing because I recently left a high-profile job and feel I would be an invaluable asset to your organization. I have worn many hats in my previous roles as a model, communications director, and enabler. (Figurative hats — look at this hair; it’s alive and sentient.) I am symmetrical and discreet, and as a serial people-pleaser, I will believe and do anything you say, no matter how horrid. My taste in men can best be described as a betrayal.

I am adept at crafting and pitching white lies, by which I mean significant lies that benefit white people. Moreover, my eyeliner doubles as redacting fluid, and my cheekbones are sharp enough to shred thousands of incriminating documents. JK! But not really.

You’ve probably guessed by now that I’m a Libra. Some of my other skills include:

· Lacrosse

· Horseback riding

· Conscience burying

· Not great with tech, but I do have some experience with de-encryption

I also have social media expertise, having taken garbled dictation from a man on a golden toilet, then fired off Ran$oM c4sE tweets that got millions of shares from racists, robots, and racist robots. The usual stuff.

But perhaps my greatest strength is my silence. By appearing very put-together and never speaking, I allow people to ascribe to me whatever qualities they admire most. This is why John Kelly has called me “strategic, poised, and wise,” while the President has called me “a great piece of tail, a ten, like a daughter to me, scha-wing.”

Though I am reluctant to throw my previous employer under the bus, I may be willing to throw him under Air Force One if that will make the nightmares stop.

In conclusion, Mr. Mueller, I think I am an ideal fit for the role of Informant to the Special Prosecutor. Thank you for your consideration; please contact me to arrange a deposition.

Ready to talk,

Hope Hicks