House Hunters: Trump Edition
His budget is yuge.
Narrator: Donald is a former steak salesman, Melania is a retired model and current Biden/Harris supporter. With the lease on their old home coming to an abrupt and constitutional end, real estate agent Caleb only has one weekend to get these former national security risks into a home they’ll love.
Donald: Our must-haves include: one, the most beautiful, diamond-encrusted toilet you’ve ever seen, which I can use for my excellent tweets. People are reading my many, many tweets now more than ever, okay? I tweet all the time. I’m tweeting right now.
Melania: Second, I want a big living room that I can decorate spooky for Christmas.
Donald: And third, no ramps. Even though I’m the best ever at walking on ramps. Mountain climbers are always begging me to lead their expeditions, but I’m busy, okay? But sometimes I do lead their expeditions. I’ve done it more times than you can count.
Caleb: And how much would you like to spend on your new home?
Donald: My budget is the biggest budget in HGTV history. It’s yuge. I had to make a new number so that I could tell you how big my budget is. It’s one trumpillion dollars, and there’s no number higher. It’s the yugest number ever.
Caleb: What about two trumpillion dollars?
Donald: There’s no such thing. Who told you to say that? The liberal media? One call and I could have you fired. FIRED!
Narrator: Caleb brings his clients to house #1, a spacious six-bedroom condo in Florida that’s located conveniently next door to a KFC.
Caleb: This property is beautiful. Plus, it’s a bargain because the land will be underwater soon due to climate change.
Donald: Really, Caleb? Every person, woman, man, camera, and TV knows that climate change is a hoax, okay? And besides, just because something is underwater doesn’t mean it isn’t still the greatest ever. Some things are even better after they go underwater, like the bustiest Miss USA contestants in white swimsuits, incriminating hotel security camera footage, or any of my many companies.
Caleb: So, how did you folks feel about house number one? Melania?
(Melania, looking bored, turns around to reveal the back of her jacket, which reads: “I really don’t care, do you?”)
Donald: You’re right, Melania. This is the worst house. I’ve always said that. I don’t want to live anywhere near this house. In fact, I want to go back to my roots, back to New York City, the city I built. I built 90% of the buildings in New York. Maybe 100%. Who’s to say? A lot of people say I built them all.
Narrator: Caleb shows the couple house #2, the old Trump penthouse in New York.
Caleb: So, how did you like house number two?
Melania: I like this one, but it’s not “be best.”
Caleb: Okay… Mr. Trump?
Donald: It’s the most beautiful apartment in the world, but these walls have been tapped so many times by the FBI, CIA, and KGB that I don’t know how they’re still standing. Come on, Caleb. Let’s get out of here before I have to pardon you, too.
Narrator: Running out of options, Caleb takes Donald and Melania to house #3, an abandoned cruise ship.
Caleb: This ship is large enough to host all the Republican senators who still refuse to admit that Biden won the election, all the arcade games onboard come pre-programmed with your name next to the highest score, and best of all, as long as you’re in international waters, this ship is technically big enough to be its own country, so you can finally be a king!
Narrator: After seeing all three homes, Donald and Melania sit down at a nondescript coffee shop to discuss their options: House #1, the Florida KFC Cabin; House #2, the New York Tasteless Tower; and House #3, the Sovereign of the Seas.
Donald: I think we all know which home was the best and the most amazing. Obviously, the cruise ship is the winner. Everything else is a LOSER. I’ve always said that.
Narrator: Two months later, Donald and Melania are settling into their new home. After making an offer of one trumpillion Goya beans, Donald and Melania bought their dream boat.
Melania: Welcome to our home. As you can see, today all the Trump kids are splashing around in the deck pool, except for Tiffany, who Donald “forgot” on the dock.
Donald: Buying this ship was so smart. Everyone said it would never work, but they were wrong. They also said I didn’t win the election but obviously, I did. I’ve never been busier selling state secrets.
(The Trump family sails off in their boat, the S.S. Covfefe.)
