How 2 Success

Are you ready to success? I will tell you how to success.

It is obvious you’re serious about success because you’re reading “How To Success” on the internet.

You probably have questions like “success?” Allow me to answer that: “yes.”

Will you success? I do not know. But if you dream and clench and claw then maybe, who can say? I can.

Am I qualified to write about success? Allow me to answer that question with a question. Why are you reading this essay, because I’m not?

I am success to the max. I eat nothing but juicy meat, and my shirts are made of fine fabrics. Tomorrow I will success all day long.

But you are not success. I can help, because if I help one person success, then I absorb their life force and become stronger.

Make me stronger. Fill me with light.

When your friends success do you do trace the word “murder” on your palm with your index finger?

Is the American Dream a suitcase full of teeth and tongues?

Are you tired of reaching for the stars and just as you’re about to grab them, diarrhea?

If you answered “yes,” then visualize success. Close your eyes. Imagine a giant pulsating bladder floating in a bare room. Attack that bladder with a tomahawk. What pours out? Champagne.

Now let’s get to work.

Look to your left. Now look to your right. You are probably alone. Anyway, find a mirror. Look in the mirror. Whisper “what do you want?”

Then reach into the mirror and grab the face in the mirror with your fingernails and pull that face through the mirror. Crush that face. Lick your fingers.

The first step in success is to put on the good pants. Dress for success you want, not like a garbage donkey.

The second step to success is to slide the blade in quickly from behind, between the ribs, then twist slowly while whispering “I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”

The third step is to destroy them. They want to see you fail. Who are they? You know who they are. In the shadows. Laughing and pointing. They want you to fail. You are persecuted. This is how you will rationalize the carnage.

The fourth step is to drown your bliss in booze. You need silence to success. That innocent inner-voice is nothing but noise.

If you want to success then you must find the ancients who crouch behind the moon and sing hymns in the forgotten tongue to them.

Three midnights later they will respond, or they will not respond. If they do not respond then your success will be understanding that the gods are indifferent.

If they do respond, you will know it. Their messenger might be a bird or a ferocious, mythical skaarg from the lost age.

They will demand tribute. You will have to make sacrifices. Actual sacrifices. That is the final step to success.

Now you have it. Now you must protect success, because they want it and they have spears.

How to keep success? That will cost you money.