How About Some Bigfoot Merchandise With That Gas Fill-Up?
Hi dere. Welcome to Gas ’n’ Go. I’m Jeff and I’ll be handling your fuel purchase today. Unless you’re looking for nachos? Our nachos are da bomb.
Twenty-five dollars on pump two? You got it.
I see you’re checkin’ out da Bigfoot novelty items for sale. We have stickers, lighters, water bottles, and whatnot. We got some T-shirts over by dere too.
Yah, Bigfoot’s been sighted in Chicago! You ain’t heard? Sure, he’s mostly seen in Washington, Oregon, and California, but why should dey get to corner da market? And why does Bigfoot have to live in a forest? I mean, dere’s a lot of wildlife in cities — rats, for instance. Lotta parks and places to hide. He could survive.
Few know da first recorded Bigfoot sighting in Chicago was in 1968. Some plain-clothes detectives identified him at Manny’s Deli as he was tearing apart da meat counter.
Some say he was here much earlier doh. Quite a few think it was Bigfoot dat started Da Great Chicago Fire and it later got pinned on a cow. Sorta makes sense. Bigfoot seems like he’d be klutzy — I could see him tipping over a lantern. Heck, he was probably eating da cow when it happened.
During da Blizzard of ’79 a lady claimed to da papers dat Bigfoot helped her out when some jagoff stole her shoveled parking space — you know — ‘dibs’? She said da creature trew da offending driver on a rooftop. Not sure if Bigfoot was bein’ a good Samaritan doh. He mighta just been after da guy’s Portillo’s beef sandwich.
You ever hear about da Bozo’s Circus sighting? Yeah, back in October of ’82 dey were selecting children to play Da Grand Prize Game, and dere’s a split second where you see Bigfoot in da audience. Chicago Broadcast Museum has da footage. I seen it. Plain as day. Some think it was a gag, a guy in a costume, but real or not, Bigfoot Society counted it.
Dere’s a rumor he played linebacker for da Bears one game. Story goes Coach Ditka spotted a hairy, eight-foot beast watching da practice squad. He trew a uniform on him and passed him off as Mongo McMichael who was out with a pulled a hammy. Talk about Monsters of da Midway!
In 1994, some fishermen said dey saw Bigfoot at Belmont Harbor. He was seen eating a steelhead on da shore of Lake Michigan. A famous chef was later found nearby mutilated in his yacht. Looked like a cougar tore him apart. Coincidence? Dat’s some real X-Files shit right dere.
And more recently somebody seen him breaking through security at Lollapalooza while Metallica played. Dere’s pictures on Instagerm dat’s got hunnerds of views. Crazy world, huh?
Anyhoo… Dis merch is just a gas jockey tryin’ to make an extra buck. No harm in it.
So just da gas for you today? No Chicago Bigfoot keepsake for you to remember your visit to Gas ’n’ Go on Ashland Avenue?
Okay. Fair enough… In dat case, could I interest you in some fruit-flavored condoms, synthetic cannabis, or hot dogs?
Da nachos are real good too.
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