How Do I Love You? Let Me, Ross Gillespie, Senior Marketing Analytics Specialist, Count the Ways

Jim Kuenzer
Jul 17 · 3 min read
Photo by from Pexels

Am I gaining traction with you, Donna? For you are gaining traction with me.

I’ll never forget that first memo you sent. You remember the memo, in re optimizing acquisition channels vis a vis a newly implemented acquisition matrix? The narrative of that memo, it took me completely offline, Donna. Completely offline. Your prose sparkled like industry-leading goal conversion rates and read like content linked directly from the pages of Fast Company.

And then I saw you. Walking, no, transitioning to a meeting in Gavin’s office. So many moving parts!

Your hair flowed like a killer app: attractive, somehow necessary, and with plenty of value-adds to leverage.

Your eyes glowed like an engaging PowerPoint presentation: dynamic and colorful, but informative and could work as a stand-alone communications piece, preferably in PDF format, though Word would suffice.

Your smile radiated like an enterprise ascending within a vertical due to bleeding edge core competencies acting as the key differentiator: unstoppable and trending.

TL;DR: my needle has been moved.

These are not boilerplate thoughts and feelings, Donna. They are emerging best practices of a co-branding effort betwixt my mind and soul.

I have to be above board with you, though, Donna: my plate is full and I have too many balls in the air! I’m in changeover for a new project which will establish us a pacesetter in our category. I’m co-chair of the Quality Circles commission. I’m in left field for our division’s softball team.

But do not fear, for my heart will find the bandwidth for your skillset.

I do have my concerns. I see you have been attending Carol’s Thursday lunch-and-learn. Why have you integrated into this scrum, Donna? You have no need for their entry level conversating! Cast away these common cubicle vultures, Donna, and let me be the change agent of your narrative!

Behold this data point: you have totally impacted my core values. Core values like collaboration, connectivity, communication — commitment.

Donna, I must disambiguate my feelings. I insist on face time with you so we may synergize our forward moving trajectories.

Will you be the co-founder of the startup I call the rest of my life?

I’ll wait while you interface with my references and colleagues. But you’ll see. Do a deep dive on my intentions (a full list of which can be found on my LinkedIn page), cascade all relevant information, and you will find my gracious space has not yet reached critical mass.

Drill down, Donna. For the love of God, Donna. Just. Drill down.

Are my learnings on brand? Or have I utilized a pain point? Will there be pushback? Run this up the flagpole, Donna. Run this up the flagpole!

I think I just felt my paradigm shift. Circle back with me if you are in agreeance.

With that being said, Donna, do I have sign-off to ping you? Let me know ASAP so that we may quickly take this venture public.


Medium humor. Large laughs.

Jim Kuenzer

Written by

Comedy writer. Master of the forced, awkward and unconvincing pratfall.



Medium humor. Large laughs.

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