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Letter sent on May 12, 2017

How do I unsubscribe from annoying emails?

Dear All,

There’s an app that claims to unsubscribe you from mass emails. I downloaded it. It accessed my Gmail and told me I was subscribed to 50+ newsletters. I was dead excited when it claimed that it could unsubscribe me from them all. And for free. I had visions of empty inboxes. Never again would I be troubled by TripAdvisor suggesting I visit Spain or TicketWeb pimping tickets to the gigs of singers with intense haircuts. Never again would I miss invitations to write for the NYT due to the amount of spam blocking up my folders.

The app didn’t work. I got a message from Pizza Hut, Bromley, offering a tasty deal about two minutes after the app had claimed to have cured me of this marketing malady.

So … if you don’t remember subscribing to this update from Slackjaw, Medium’s ‘home to the funny’, I completely empathise. To be honest, if I receive this email, I might unsubscribe. But if you’re still reading, maybe you’re on the toilet or pretending to do some work, might I point you in the direction of a few killer stories? We could all do with a laugh. This week’s been ever so tiring. It’ll waste a few minutes. And the stories are great. How do I know? I wrote two of them.

The titles say it all. Because if they don’t, people won’t click. Please click. I’ve never written a email to 46,000 people before.

  1. What are people really working on in coffee shops?
  2. I replaced the word “Diamonds” with “Screenshots” in the song Diamonds Are Forever and now it speaks to me on a personal level
  3. Updates From French Presidential Candidate’s LinkedIn Account the Day After Losing the Election
  4. A Ken Burns-Style Letter Home to My Lover, from the Frontlines of My War with Verizon
  5. I decided to take some arty photos like my arty friends always do. And it was so easy.

As a way of thanking you for reading, here’s a joke:

Q: Why did the baker have brown fingers?

A: Because he kneaded a poo.

(It’s better when spoken. Apologies.)

Have a good weekend,

Tom Mitchell

@cakesthebrain

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