FOR LOVE OR PEANUT BUTTER
How I Met The Man I Gave Up Peanut Butter For
Not as catchy as How I Met Your Mother, but same idea.
If you’ve been reading my column, you’ve probably gathered that I’ve kissed more frogs than the Bachelorette and have been single for about as long as the show has been on the air. All that bad luck and bad sex led me to have a very bad attitude, and one day I decided to address it and shake that shit off like T-Swift. If this is your first time reading my column, congratulations! You’re all caught up now.
But what if I told you that currently, I am no longer single? (GASP!) That’s right, what if, hypothetically speaking, I was in a happy, supportive, loving relationship with an actual human man who treats me very well? Wouldn’t that be wild?! I bet you’d wanna know how the hell I pulled it off, right? Well, buckle up Buttercup, because that’s exactly what I’m going to tell you.
Believe me, I’m as shocked as you are to find myself in a functional relationship. It seemed about as likely as, I don’t know, everything that happened in 2020? Covid, quarantine, staggering death counts, protests, conspiracies, aliens, murder hornets, locusts, uncontainable wildfires, never-ending elections that haunt your dreams… Apparently the universe considers me getting a…
