How I’ll Get Hired By SNL, According To My Mom
I Google “SNL phone” and the first result is Lorne Michaels’ personal cell number.
I call him up at 4:30pm on a Friday, since that’s when a 2006 issue of Consumer Reports said people focus on hiring new employees.
“Hello Mr. Michaels. My name is Jus and I’d like to discuss writing opportunities at your esteemed television show,” I say with confidence, but not so much that it’s off-putting.
“Hi Jus. Please, call me Lorne. You caught me at the perfect time — Friday afternoons are when I do all my hiring for Saturday Night Live,” says Lorne.
“You know, in all my years here, you’re the first person to ever try calling me directly. I respect your chutzpah. Also, it sounds like you’re sitting with good posture. That’s important. What kind of position are you looking for?”
I begin informing Lorne that I’d be open to any writing role at SNL, but he interrupts me.
“Don’t sell yourself short, kid. Have you ever thought about being a head writer? It just so happens I’m looking for one–our last head writer quit today at 4:15pm.
I tell Lorne that I’ve often thought about this and would love to be considered for the open position.
“Wonderful. What experience do you have?”
With conviction, I state my qualifications. “I spent two years performing in a sketch comedy troupe during college a decade ago. Since then, I’ve done stand up about four times at small open mics. I was also retweeted once by a B-list comedian.”
“Well, that’s more experience than most people. It might be a bit thin for a head writer though,” says Lorne. “Wait… by chance is your mom’s name Susan? And did you do a five-minute set at Magoun’s Saloon back in, say, 2017?”
I tell Lorne he’s correct.
“I knew I recognized your voice! What a small world. I’m mutual friends with your mom’s dentist on Facebook. He re-shared a video she posted of you performing a few years ago. I haven’t stopped thinking about it all this time. Honestly, I’m starstruck.”
“Thanks Lorne, I’m flattered,” I say with confidence, but not so much that it’s off-putting. “My mom is my biggest fan. She says I’m funnier than those Please Don’t Destroy guys.”
Lorne chuckles. “That’s a high compliment, especially since moms are almost always right about how hilarious their children are. Based on what I’ve seen, I have to agree. Apologies if it’s hard to hear me, by the way. Bowen and Kenan just walked in to rehearse a sketch for tomorrow.”
“I love Bowen Yang and Kenan Thompson!” I exclaim, taking a second to regain my composure. “I can call back if you’d like. I don’t want to interrupt.”
“Nonsense, they rehearse all the time. If anything they’re interrupting you!” says Lorne. “Want to say hi?”
I tell Lorne I’d like to say hi.
“Hey Bowen, come here for a second, I’ve got someone important for you to meet.” Lorne proceeds to hand his phone to my favorite SNL cast member, introducing me as “Jus, a very promising candidate for head writer.”
“Hey! Nice to meet you,” says Bowen. “Quick question: we’re working on a sketch about elementary school supplies that come to life. Should my character be a pencil or a pen?”
I mull it over for an appropriate amount of time. “If you ask me, a pencil is probably funnier. One time my mom dressed me up as a pencil for Purim when I was three and everyone loved it.”
“Ha! That’s incredible,” says Bowen. “I’m definitely going with pencil then. I’ll make sure you and her get writing credits on tomorrow’s episode. Also totally random, but has anyone ever told you how handsome your voice is?”
I blush. “My mom has.”
“Your mom is an absolute icon and 100 percent correct. You sound way more handsome than Colin Jost. Let me write your number down so I can have you on my podcast sometime.”
I give Bowen my number and he hands the phone back to Lorne. I clearly hear him whisper, “Hire this person immediately or I quit.”
“Welcome to SNL, Jus!” says Lorne. “I’ll have HR follow up with you about the details. Can you start next week?”
“I can make that work,” I say with confidence, but not so much that it’s off-putting.
“Great! I’ve got to run–4:45pm on Fridays is when I go to improv theaters to scout for new performing talent,” says Lorne. “Please tell your mom to accept my Facebook friend request.”
