How The Button Part of Matt Lauer’s NBC Contract Negotiations Probably Went
He’s definitely not going to abuse it!!
Hey guys! So here we are, at the table, negotiating Matt’s new Today Show contract for 2016 through 2018. As Matt’s head lawyer, I just have to say I’m sure we can get this ironed out real fast. $20 million per year? Two years? We can all agree he’s worth it, right?
Great! Money part’s all done. Lock that contract in, lock that Lauer up!
And hey, speaking of locking things up, Matt wants a button put in under his desk to lock the door without standing up or the person in the room knowing they’re locked in.
That shouldn’t be a problem, right?
Hey! Hey! I see from your faces that you are feeling a little weird about this! But don’t forget, other employees at NBC have this, and if they have it, Matt Lauer should DEFINITELY have it! He would never abuse it!
We’re all friends here! Olympics! Colonoscopies! Al Roker! The Today Show is a trusted and timeless institution, and Matt Lauer’s reputation as a great guy to wake up with is at the very core of that. He would never use this button for anything untoward!
But, real talk, he does really want this button so that he doesn’t have to worry about someone walking in when he’s with certain people in his office.
Why would he be worried about it? Well, come on, just think about it — he’s sitting in his chair professionally, a young professional associate comes in who is maybe a woman, he doesn’t want there to be any GOSSIPING if someone happens to come in after her and see them together talking so professionally, so he…just will lock her in the room without her knowing so everything is above board.
It makes perfect professional sense!
Don’t forget — Matt is a happily married man. He and his wife are so in love that she refused to let him travel alone for the 2012 London Olympics. Refused! That is love, refusing to let the person you love travel away from you. And would it be fair for HIS WIFE to have to hear gossip that Matt was talking to a female colleague of his office during work hours?
Or is it maybe fairer for all of us to nip that possibility in the bud, and just put this secret button clause in this contract? Huh? Guys?
OK, I see you’re still a little hesitant! Don’t pay any attention to all those blind items about his potential bad behavior and then think about how this button might be a bad idea. Just think: with this new Matt Lauer contract, you get more of Matt Lauer doing Olympic stuff! Remember when he went to Russian bath houses with Al in Sochi? That is definitely the only risqué thing he did in Sochi! God, can’t wait to see what you guys cook up for PeyeongChang in 2018.
What is a little tiny office undisclosed office button compared to the HILARITY of Matt and Al Roker eating kimchi or going to the DMZ in traditional Korean clothes or something?? You guys at NBC really have the best taste.
By the way, the exact language we would want in the contract is here, you can just scan it real quick: “at no point shall the REMOTE DOOR LOCK ACTUATOR be referred to by a pejorative, such as a ‘lady trapper,’ or a ‘pussy button’ and said door lock shall be manufactured to industry-leading specifications, capable of withstanding force that a typical ADULT HUMAN WOMAN could apply for no less than 30 seconds.”
Pretty standard button clause stuff!
OK, OK you look weird again! But hey, remember Matt and Katie Couric together? So good. So wholesome. So — the button then? OK to put that in here? Katie Couric? No Shave November? Thanksgiving Day Parade? The button, yes? OK, good to add? Family values, media empire, HALLOWEEN COSTUMES?? Secret button, yes?
WONDERUL! Seems like we’re all on the same page here about getting that secret-lock-the-door-from-the-inside-with-the-other-person-not-knowing-tiny button. Love working with you guys, as always.
Shall we move on to Matt’s morality clause?
