How The White Grinch Stole America
a christmas poem
EVERY PERSON in America liked the country a lot
But the White Grinch in his gold Tower, oh he did not!
Women fighting for their bodies, workers fighting for their wage
A black man in the White House, it filled the White Grinch with rage!
No one knew the reason for the White Grinch’s ire
Some claim the reason itself was nothing so dire
It could be his crush who told him she didn’t want to dance
Or it could be the tiny patriot sausage tucked away in his pants
Regardless the reason, the White Grinch sparked an interesting thought
He exclaimed, “I have an idea! And this idea can’t be bought!”
He ran to the press, in which all did attend
He proclaimed, “I will Make America Great Again!”
The White Grinch running for office? The press laughed it off
They laughed for 18 months straight, but 18 was enough
The White Grinch used his charm and ability to lie
To grab a big slice out of the American pie
“I tell it like it is! Trust me, I’m your hero!
That guy is a doofus and that guy is a zero!
I’m the guy you want! Put it all on me!”
And in a flash, the White Grinch became the Republican nominee
At this point, most people in America were starting to worry
They moved to delegitimize the White Grinch in a hurry
“He says mean things and has an awfully shady past!
He only cares about himself! This will never last!”
But he had his supporters who wouldn’t budge an inch
They found their champion in the cold, heartless White Grinch
He didn’t think he would win. He laid the foundation for a loss
“This election is rigged!” he said, as the KKK burned a cross
Election day rolled around and you could smell it in the air
Hope and history — a woman would be the next heir
But the White Grinch’s lies and deceit weighed too heavy
on naive America, and the rest of us weren’t ready
“The White Grinch wins in an upset!” his supporters exclaimed
Their Facebook posts drowning out the reality of what this would change
The White Grinch will be president come the New Year
That is, of course, if America is still here.
Jared is an award-winning (that’s not true) writer who has published featured articles (also not true) in Playboy, Maxim, and Entertainment Weekly (no, no, and no). In his free time, he donates his time to help (don’t know where this is going, but it’s probably not true) inner-city youth learn how to read (yeah, not true). If you enjoyed this piece or would like to troll Jared on social media, his Twitter is here and his website is here.
