How To Afford A Giant Mirror, Even Though You Don’t Have Giant Mirror Money
You don’t have full-length mirror money, let alone giant mirror money.
So you want a giant mirror, but you don’t have giant mirror money. If you’re being honest, you don’t have full-length mirror money, let alone giant mirror money. You have “If I stand on these books I can see the bottom half of my torso in the bathroom mirror” money. You have “catch your reflection in the food encrusted microwave door as you reheat your frozen Trader Joe’s dinner” money. You have “See your face for the first time that day when your phone dies due to low battery and you’re faced with your own face on the black shiny screen of a dead phone. It’s dead because your knock-off convenience store charger has frayed wires and has to be held at a certain angle to maintain an electrical flow, and you don’t even have time to be holding those wires at that angle because you’re busy trying to figure out how to make more money” money.
And that’s okay! It’s not your fault. No one told you how much money mirrors cost. If your collegiate education never thought to mention that the word “Scuba” is actually an acronym (Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus) and you had to learn that at Thursday night trivia in front of judgmental strangers who all just happened to know that fun little tidbit, then when the fuck were they going to squeeze in “oh, by the way, everyday household items are actually kind of expensive.” Were you supposed to just learn that as you aged, naturally, with the gaining of experiential knowledge? Ridiculous.
It’s not fair to you that so many of your favorite movies as a kid featured entryways with stunning antique French gold mirrors. How were you to know that not only were those gold-encrusted 2ft wide 7ft tall entryway bad boys upwards of $3,000, but also that entryways… are really not a thing and that you’ll probably never have one. You’ll have an apartment with three roommates, one bathroom, and barely a kitchen, let alone a room with the sole purpose of guests to take their shoes off in because “this is a shoes-off household with nice entryways and big mirrors.” You will never have a shoes-off household, or an entryway to enter. The French and their foyers be damned.
So how can you, a young woman, with no entryway, three roommates, and a dead phone, afford a giant mirror, even though you don’t have giant mirror money?
Become a pole dancer! Dance your sculpted ass off to the tune of $500 in singles a night at Salty Dan’s Saloon. Win the crowd over with your show-stopping move, the Upside-Down Dragon Clown. Sadly, to nail this move you need to practice. A lot. Specifically in front of a large mirror the size of a wall, which you don’t have. Okay. Moving on.
Rob your local bank at gunpoint! Finger-gun point, obviously; you can’t afford a real gun. Remember you’re doing all of this because you can’t afford a mirror. Do you think you could afford a Kimber KS6 Magnum Revolver? You’d have to rob two banks at finger-gun point for that. Sadly, to pull off the perfect robbery you need to practice your whole “freeze, nobody move, this is a robbery” speech in the bathroom mirror. And one of your three roommates is in there doing something they call “full-body mowing”?? It could be weeks before you get in.
Okay, new idea! Move to the Caribbean and search the ocean floor for ancient sunken shipwrecked (probably cursed) treasure. You don’t need a mirror to be able to find ancient sunken shipwrecked (probably cursed) treasure! However, it’ll be pretty hard to do since you never knew that Scuba was an acronym — that’s like the first question on the certification classes.
Okay, deep breaths. You can figure this out. Take a long hard look in the mirror and… oh fuck, never mind. Take a long hard look at yourself in your dead cell phone’s glass, and say “I got this!” Oh look, you’ve been sitting here sedentary so long that your phone’s alive again, and look, a Facebook notification: there’s a mirror, reasonable price, Facebook marketplace, you can pick it up today! She’s perfect. 6 ft tall, 2 ft wide. Oh, and 25 miles away. Lol, you don’t have a car!! Who needs a mirror anyway? Why do you need to know your nose is crooked and there’s spinach in your teeth? Oh, you didn’t know that? My bad, sorry. Outfit’s bad too. Okay. Sorry!!
