How To Ask Your Family COVID Bubble For Permission To Have Sex

Does “the talk” still come with free condoms when you’re in your thirties?

Dani Mahrer
Dec 11, 2020 · 3 min read
Photo by Volodymyr Hryshchenko on Unsplash

Striking the right balance between quality family time, a dating life, free laundry, and not exposing your family to a deadly virus because of your dating life can be tough. Especially when said deadly virus is more prevalent than (and just as likely to be undetectable as) HPV. So what’s a thirty-something-year-old single woman who chose to be in a COVID bubble with her family but is also desperately trying to get laid (me) supposed to do? Well, here are some options:

No huss no fuss, rip off the band-aid. Force your parents to acknowledge that you are a sexual being whose needs are no longer being met by the vibrator they once found on your bedside table when you were home for the holidays. Be honest about the risk factors and make sure everyone is getting tested (for COVID, but STI’s couldn’t hurt.) If they resist, remind them that they didn’t hug you enough as a child and it’s either this or they have to pay for therapy.

Build up to it by oversharing about your video chats and distance dates. Exaggerate the long-term potential of your (more likely than not) short-term fling — nothing gets parents of a thirty-something more excited than the hope that it might not be too late for you to get married! By the time you ask if it’s okay to get railed, they’ll already be planning the guest list.

Miss the games of your pre-pandemic dating life? Well here’s your chance to pull some shady shit on your parents! Drop vague hints about your dating life, take an extra-long time to reply to their text messages, and be mysteriously busy next time they ask you to go grocery shopping for them. And just when they’re convinced that you’ve been irresponsible and put their lives at risk — show them how loving and caring you truly are by asking for their permission to have sex!

Who doesn’t love a good family Zoom call? And what better way to bring your siblings, grandparents, and cousins together than to talk about your sex life? As the eldest single in the family, they’re doing it anyway — it’s just usually behind your back. So schedule a call, get the screenshots of his dating app profile ready, and prepare to argue your case like your s̶e̶x̶ life depends on it. Maybe your parents can say no to you, but can they say no to multiple generations of Jewish guilt and a grandfather that just wants to see his favorite grandchild happy?

*This method only works if you are the favorite grandchild.

This is, surprisingly, the safest of options. Tell your parents that you love them enough to not expose them to COVID, but not enough to wait another few months for a vaccine before having a cock or tongue induced orgasm — and just leave their bubble. They may be disappointed and they will definitely question your life choices, but that’s all shit you’re used to anyway.

Follow Slackjaw on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.

Slackjaw

Medium humor. Large laughs.

Thanks to Alex Baia

Sign up for Yapjaw

By Slackjaw

Yapjaw is Medium's #1 newsletter for all things humor, and we're sorry to say you'll only receive it a few times a month. Take a look.

By signing up, you will create a Medium account if you don’t already have one. Review our Privacy Policy for more information about our privacy practices.

Check your inbox
Medium sent you an email at to complete your subscription.

Medium is an open platform where 170 million readers come to find insightful and dynamic thinking. Here, expert and undiscovered voices alike dive into the heart of any topic and bring new ideas to the surface. Learn more

Follow the writers, publications, and topics that matter to you, and you’ll see them on your homepage and in your inbox. Explore

If you have a story to tell, knowledge to share, or a perspective to offer — welcome home. It’s easy and free to post your thinking on any topic. Write on Medium

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store