How To Ask Your Family COVID Bubble For Permission To Have Sex
Does “the talk” still come with free condoms when you’re in your thirties?
Striking the right balance between quality family time, a dating life, free laundry, and not exposing your family to a deadly virus because of your dating life can be tough. Especially when said deadly virus is more prevalent than (and just as likely to be undetectable as) HPV. So what’s a thirty-something-year-old single woman who chose to be in a COVID bubble with her family but is also desperately trying to get laid (me) supposed to do? Well, here are some options:
1. Just do it.
No huss no fuss, rip off the band-aid. Force your parents to acknowledge that you are a sexual being whose needs are no longer being met by the vibrator they once found on your bedside table when you were home for the holidays. Be honest about the risk factors and make sure everyone is getting tested (for COVID, but STI’s couldn’t hurt.) If they resist, remind them that they didn’t hug you enough as a child and it’s either this or they have to pay for therapy.
2. Slow and steady.
Build up to it by oversharing about your video chats and distance dates. Exaggerate the long-term potential of your (more likely than not) short-term fling — nothing gets parents of a thirty-something more excited than the hope that it might not be too late for you to get married! By the time you ask if it’s okay to get railed, they’ll already be planning the guest list.
3. Make it a game.
Miss the games of your pre-pandemic dating life? Well here’s your chance to pull some shady shit on your parents! Drop vague hints about your dating life, take an extra-long time to reply to their text messages, and be mysteriously busy next time they ask you to go grocery shopping for them. And just when they’re convinced that you’ve been irresponsible and put their lives at risk — show them how loving and caring you truly are by asking for their permission to have sex!
4. Call a family meeting.*
Who doesn’t love a good family Zoom call? And what better way to bring your siblings, grandparents, and cousins together than to talk about your sex life? As the eldest single in the family, they’re doing it anyway — it’s just usually behind your back. So schedule a call, get the screenshots of his dating app profile ready, and prepare to argue your case like your s̶e̶x̶ life depends on it. Maybe your parents can say no to you, but can they say no to multiple generations of Jewish guilt and a grandfather that just wants to see his favorite grandchild happy?
*This method only works if you are the favorite grandchild.
5. The pull out method.
This is, surprisingly, the safest of options. Tell your parents that you love them enough to not expose them to COVID, but not enough to wait another few months for a vaccine before having a cock or tongue induced orgasm — and just leave their bubble. They may be disappointed and they will definitely question your life choices, but that’s all shit you’re used to anyway.