How to Be a Manic Pixie Dream Girl in 2016

So, you want to be a Manic Pixie Dream Girl. Congratulations! First, take comfort in knowing that you are still culturally relevant. Try not to be deterred by the recent advent of strong female representation, a la Jessica Jones and Cookie Lyon. Sexism and the homogeneous portrayal of women are still forces to be reckoned with. Judd Apatow is still making movies! (And television.) There is ample need for you to serve as a supportive, delicate fairy (yet unpredictable loose-cannon) for males. However, as progress toward depth-of-character-gender-equality continues, you’re gonna need to work a little harder to remain merely a whisper of an individual.

1. First, to succeed as an MPDG, you should probably be white. Hollywood and popular media have yet to truly embrace the MPDG of color, with the singular exception of Raven Symone circa 1993. The MPDG’s of modern popularity continue to be captivatingly wacky white-girl-next store types. In fact, the only reason that Israeli Neta-Lee Hershlag got to be an MPDG was by changing her name to Natalie Portman. So — please try to be a WASP.
2. Invest in a good razor. MPDGs should be impeccably groomed, lest their unsavory body hair detract from their inherent function of male sidekick-ery. While your head hair may be wildly untamed, your mons pubis should exhibit only a scant tumbleweed. Once, a budding MPDG spontaneously grew out her armpit hair. She is now cleaning restrooms at the Flying J.
3. An effective MPDG should not be self-involved whatsoever, so shake off those pesky life goals. Your singular new goal is to provide a sense of escapism for the aspiring Kerouacian male that you literally bumped into and endearingly spilled your pomegranate tea on at the indie bookshop. If you must pursue a life goal, it should be artistic in nature. Financial stability is overrated. Bartend one night a week and paint dahlias every day.
4. Throw out your planner! You are an agent of spontaneity. However, this means you must also show up unexpectedly at the exact tipping point of despair for aforementioned Kerouacian. And show up with a mixtape and comfort food, for fuck’s sake. (Pro tip: Milkshakes and fried chicken are the gold standard.)
5. Speaking of comfort food — Begin to train yourself to eat mass amounts of junk food (and never actively exercise) — but don’t gain any weight. Bingeing is sexy! Your dude will love that you can pound a couple of cheeseburgers with him on any given day, yet retain sharp rib visibility. (Pointy shoulders are also totally IT right now.) It is also desirable for you to have unreasonable strength (i.e. you can open pickle jars for him and lift stereo equipment) without any visible muscle tone.
6. Everything is wonderful! Find the constant delight in ordinary events. Look at that teacup — how magical! A pigeon eating a French fry — how lovely! Also try to have a giant sense of humor. Master the Julia Roberts laugh: throw your head back and bare your large, beautiful teeth. And then use your new skill repeatedly.
7. Spend that hard-earned money wisely. Meaning: impetuously. Acceptable big ticket purchases for the miniscule amount of income you draw from your one-night-weekly of blue collar work include: A beat-up recreational vehicle from 1968, tattoos (mandalas or florals), and kegs of beer for an ironic house party.
8. Do not be jaded or bitter in any way. Instead of crafting vaguely misogynistic lists for the internet, write haikus on the back of Dairy Queen receipts and leave them for strangers to find. Judgement is not in your vocabulary.
9. Acceptable 2016 hobbies: rescuing pit bulls, fermenting your own kombucha, DIY-acupuncture, outsider art walks. Hobbies that are no longer acceptable include: baking cupcakes, manga, Paul Oakenfold, roller derby, mainstream art walks.

Use these steps to kick-start your quest to being a Manic Pixie Dream Girl. Once you become more advanced, you can practice additional strengths, like the ability to successfully wear a bra-less tube top, or to ride on the back of a motorcycle with your hands in the air. Start small, yet go big: Like Rome, the Manic Pixie Dream Girl isn’t built in a day.

Connect deeper: Follow Melanie on twitter via @rileycoyote.