How To Become A Successful Writer: The 50 Year Plan
Birth — Age 4
As soon as you’re old enough to hold a writing instrument, start scribbling on your bedroom walls. This is your early-stage stream of consciousness, so don’t let your parents tell you it’s “wrong” or a “mess.” Eat a crayon.
Age 5–9
Advance to writing on yourself — not the alphabet per se, but some kind of secret code. This is another stepping stone towards greatness, and also good practice for a fallback career as a tattoo artist. If you don’t want to write on yourself, write on your sibling. If you don’t have a sibling, write on a friend. If you don’t have a friend, try an imaginary one. If you don’t have an imagination, I hope you’re at least cute or have nice hair because you’re limited to a life of nonfiction or current events.
Age 10–15
Start a secret diary. Complain that no one understands you and that life isn’t fair. This will be the most embarrassing writing of your life and you will most likely burn it before your 18th birthday. Start drinking.
Age 16–20
Keep more detailed, big girl diaries. Chronicle your depression, anxiety, medications, and all obsessive, toxic relationships. Refuse to notice a repetitive pattern in your dysfunctional behaviors. Use…
