How To Become Your Therapist’s Favorite Client
Do not, under any circumstances, recite a sad, original poem.
- Begin every session by asking your therapist: “How are you?” If they respond with: “I’m fine!” repeat the question, but lean in closer. “No, really. How are you?” To which they’ll reply: “No one’s ever cared enough to ask!” and immediately burst into tears. This is good. Offer them the tissue box. You are well on your way to becoming their favorite.
- Never wear the same thing twice. Your therapist’s favorite client is not an outfit repeater.
- During therapy, you may find yourself gazing out the window, whispering that you “truly understand what it feels like to be Pagliacci the weeping clown.” Moments like these are unavoidable, but if you want to be your therapist’s favorite client, you must also demonstrate the ability to not be so goddamn weird. You can achieve this by highlighting more neurotypical events in your life. Discuss a recent job promotion, the fluctuations of the stock market, or show them pictures of a cute dog. I imagine these are things that normal people talk about. I don’t know. I wouldn’t know.
- Do not, under any circumstances, recite a sad, original poem, or play demos of songs you’ve recorded. I know you think you’re the lyrical lovechild of Fiona Apple and Leonard…
