How To Convince Your Caucasian Tinder Date That You’re An Actual Indian Person
While getting ready, ditch the perfume and sprinkle spices all over your body instead. Your date will expect you to smell like curry and you don’t want to throw them off.
Order the spiciest dish on the menu. Even if it burns your tongue, teeth, and jaw. You’re Indian — a piece of chili should be like a piece of cake to you.
Make sure that you order your dish (vegetarian, obviously) in a ridiculously exaggerated accent (don’t worry, it will seem absolutely natural to your date). We recommend practicing this accent for at least a week. Do it alongside The Simpsons for the best results.
Bring up the Ivy League school you attended within the first fifteen minutes of the conversation, even if you didn’t actually go to one. Your date will never bother checking because everyone knows that all Indians attend Ivy League schools to satisfy their overachieving dads.
When they ask you whether you speak English or Indian at home, answer them without looking shocked. Indian isn’t a real language, but there’s no need to confuse your date.
Talk about your job. You don’t want to spring a surprise on them on the first date, so mention your long working hours as a top engineer. If you get nervous and mistakenly blurt out your actual job as a writer, don’t worry! They’ll think you were joking anyway. Just say, “Me? A person of Indian origin, not an engineer or a doctor? That’s hilarious!” and proceed to laugh.
When they go to the bathroom, dunk their phone into a glass of water. Then confidently tell them that you’ll fix it no time. After all, genius runs in your ethnicity. Keep an engineer friend on stand by at the same restaurant. You’re Indian — we’re sure you have tons of those.
Break the awkward silence by spelling out items from the menu. ‘H-o-r-s d’ o-e-u-v-r-e,’ ‘g-n-o-c-c-h-i,’ and ‘f-e-t-t-u-c-c-i-n-e.’ As a former spelling bee champion, you should have mastered these words in grade 2.
If you spot any other Indians entering the restaurant, wave at them enthusiastically. Go in for a hug, or shout, “Nice to see you!” from your table. Your date expects you to know every Indian in town, and you obviously don’t want them to think that you’re embarrassed to say hi to your friends in front of them.
Spill sauce on your shirt, make a waiter trip over your foot, and drop your nerdy glasses into a bowl of soup. You know, just the regular awkward stuff Indians do all the time.
Carry a large bedazzled tote, instead of an evening clutch. That way you can pull a snake out of it mid-meal. This will terrify your date, but you must display your natural skills as a snake charmer and prevent it from taking a bite out of them or their pasta. You’ll be a hero in their eyes.
When they ask you whether you want chai tea after the meal, nod. Even though chai tea isn’t a real thing. Chai means tea, so chai tea is basically tea tea. But since they’re asking you twice, it would be impolite to decline. And anyway, haven’t you been eating naan bread (bread bread) with Karen for years now?
Use your math skills to calculate the bill before it arrives. Don’t forget to include a tip! And obviously, don’t use the calculator on your phone. Your brain is probably way faster.
Before your date makes their next move, remind them that you’re destined to have an arranged marriage, so you actually shouldn’t even be here. Then, because you’re Indian — dance the hell out of there.
