How to Determine Whether You Should Allow Zerbia, My Pet Chimpanzee, To Attend My Funeral
Questions to help you make this important decision.
If you are reading this, the cryogenic chamber has failed and I am dead. Make sure to have Doctor Charles Borgeson of the Fienberg Cryogenic Institute arrested immediately. The papers incriminating him are in the oak desk that once belonged to Stalin.
Now, wipe your tears, soldier. You must begin arranging my funeral at once. There are contingencies in place, but there is still much to do to ensure things go smoothly.
The first order of business is to determine whether or not to allow Zerbia, my pet chimpanzee, to be present at the funeral. I have included some questions to help you make that important decision. Read them carefully so that you make the correct choice. Do not fail me.
How did Zerbia react when you told him the news of my death? This is critical. Did he fall prostrate on the ground in despair? Fine, he may attend. But if he gave a wry little smile that sort of said, “Oh, what a pity,” he is not to be permitted anywhere near the ceremony. I will not give some half-hearted mourner the honor of being at my funeral.
Is he still taking those diet pills? I told Zerbia to stop taking those diet pills but I have a suspicion he has continued to sneak them. Figure out whether he is still taking them. They make him loopy and I will not have Zerbia making a scene and distracting from my final moments above ground. But if he’s off the pills and has managed to pull himself together, fine, he may come. But keep an eye on him.
Is Zerbia the one who killed me? I wouldn’t put it past him. We’ve had many disagreements over the years and he’s the kind who holds a grudge. Search my cryogenic chamber’s plug for chimpanzee prints. He’s sloppy and will have forgotten to wipe them. There are some documents incriminating Zerbia for fraud in the oak desk that once belonged to Chávez. If he hasn’t already ransacked the place, take the papers and hide them elsewhere. Needless to say, if Zerbia is indeed my killer, I want him at my funeral in handcuffs. Let him see me have the last laugh (an mp3 file labeled “Last Laugh” can be found in a hard drive in the oak desk that once belonged to Mao). If, however, Zerbia is found innocent of any connection to my death, bar him from the ceremony. I will not have cowards at my funeral.
Is Zerbia the one reading this letter? So, think you’re quite clever for learning to read, eh, you little bastard? Well, read this: It’s not over. I’m coming for you. I’ve many plans in place to avenge myself. Have your fun now while you can. Throw a little poo. But remember: What goes around comes around, Zerbia. I don’t quit. But you knew that, didn’t you? Run, Zerbia. Run far away and wherever you like. It won’t matter. I will find you. And then we’ll be together again, at last.
If you are not Zerbia, proceed to burn this letter once you have made your decision (and then pray to whatever god you believe in that it’s the right one). The next set of instructions can be found in the oak desk that once belonged to Tony Blair. Step to it, let’s see some hustle. And stop that pathetic whimpering. There is still much to do and I am running out of time.