How To Dom A Bag Of Cadbury Mini Eggs
1. Dress in your best black suit.
2. Go to the grocery store. Hunt the Cadbury Mini Eggs. When you find them, tower over the display.
3. Take your time observing the eggs. Say nothing. Let them feel the cold of your shadow.
4. Select a bag, but do not touch it. Sneer at the bag.
5. Bring your face close to the bag. Tell it how worthless it is. Let the bag feel your breath. Again, do not make physical contact.
6. Mutter: “The safeword is ‘Holstein-Friesian cattle.’”
7. Leave the bag and continue shopping.
8. Return to the bag twenty minutes later with a full cart of items that deserve you.
9. Take your bag off the shelf. Hide it somewhere on your person, beneath the suit and next to your skin.
10. Check out, but do not pay for the Cadbury Mini Eggs. Just take them, because they are worthless, and they are yours.
11. Forget the bag in the trunk of your car upon arriving home from the store.
12. Retrieve the bag a few hours later, under cover of night.
13. Set the bag down on a chair. Get very close to it. Pace back and forth before the bag. On occasion, pause to stare at it with great intensity.
14. Touch the bag, lightly. Stroke its glossy, purple packaging with one fingertip.
15. Whisper: “You are mine. I own you.”
16. Open a very small corner of the bag. Slowly.
17. Remove one egg. Bite it in half. Let it melt in the warm wet of your mouth.
18. Return the remaining half-egg to the bag.
19. Command: “Do not move.”
20. Leave the bag. Read Bram Stoker’s Dracula from the comfort of a leather wingback chair somewhere far from your eggs.
21. Return to the bag when you are finished reading. Rip it open and devour half the eggs.
22. Tie the bag with a sturdy rope. Place it in the cabinet. Tell the bag how good it’s been before closing the door.
23. Go about your normal business. Scratch your nails against the cabinet door each time you walk by.
24. After three days, dress again in your best black suit. Knock lightly on the cabinet door.
25. Ask: “Are you a good bag of eggs?”
26. Throw the cabinet door open and snatch the bag before it can answer. Tear it wide open so your eggs spill across the floor.
27. Find every last egg, even the ones cowering in fear under the baseboard heater. Eat them, passionately and noisily, from off the floor.
28. Groan: “You taste so fucking good.”
29. Tongue the destroyed bag’s interior. Consume any lingering chocolate or bits of crisp, sugar shell.
30. Gaze at the bag. Hold it, tenderly, and pepper it with tiny kisses. Tell the bag how delicious it was, how good it was.
31. Discard the bag at the very bottom of your trash bin.