How To Eat A Mango
Give the fruit the respect it deserves.
- Enter a Quarantined Area.
Far away from civilization, far away from the prying eyes of your friends that you alienated during your quest for the mango, that is when you — and the world — will be the most secure. Cover everything in the immediate area with clear plastic. So the walls, floor, and furniture bear witness to your hunger yet maintain their innocence. Do not worry about yourself; protection is of no use for the mango-bearer. Even in a hazmat suit, its holy juice will still find a way to soak into your skin. It is a blessing.
2. Thank God for this Holy Gift.
Once you are settled in your designated mango eating chamber, kneel and offer the morsel skyward. Praise whatever god you believe in and thank them for blessing you with their most sacred treasure. Ensure them you will savor every bite of its flesh and drop of its blood. Tell them you eat in their name.
3. Ensure You Have the Necessary Equipment.
Truly, all a devotee needs are their nails and teeth. However, it does not hurt to procure tools to guarantee the divine fruit does not suffer. A peeler or knife will suffice. Although not required, it is recommended that you obtain a collection apparatus, to minimize the spread of your slaughter. A comfort object — something that will ground you to reality, like a photo from your life before your discovery of mangos — may also be beneficial, for the first bite is known to induce madness in even the most experienced mango-bearers.
4. Strip the Skin; Expose the Flesh.
Put time and care into each strip removed. Murmur words of devotion to each sliver of saccharine, succulent substance you reveal. Try and fail to hold back tears.
5. Devour.
Hunch above a collection apparatus (or just the floor, if such an item cannot be acquired) and sink your teeth into its flesh. Show it no mercy. Feast as though you have gone days without nourishment, as though you crawled for days through the desert and have finally stumbled across an oasis. Allow your salty tears to blend with the sweetness of its holy nectar. Praise your god again through mouthfuls of glistening, golden flesh; silently apologize for every fiber and drop of mango that escapes. Feel its gilded blood adhering to your skin and know you will forever be stained with its blessings.
6. Remember NOMS: No One Must See.
The side of you mangoes bring about is not for the faint of heart — or, truly, any conscious being. Instincts buried deep within you by your ancestors’ slow advancement towards becoming civilized resurface when faced with its holy light; to prevent the world from knowing that you have devolved, confirm that your quarantined area is void of all life other than you and the holy fruit. If this is not possible, eliminate any witnesses.
7. Purify.
The mango lingers betwixt your teeth. Remove its strands before the madness sets in. Then, drunk on divinity, stumble to the nearest water source and cleanse yourself. Feel the remnants of the mango wash away beneath the stream of water but understand you will never be fully rid of its mark. That excites you.
8. Emerge as a Changed Being.
You have devoured a slice of God. You will never be the same.
9. Recommence the Hunt.
Your first bite of mango will cause you to never want a last. Under the watchful eyes of your god, acquire another mango from your local Lidl, then return to the first step and begin the cycle anew.
