How to Experience the World From the Comfy Confines of Your Staycation

Laura LeeLun
Sep 20, 2018 · 3 min read
  1. Set the mood in Hawaii. Make staying home feel like an exotic escape by changing even the most trivial of elements. For instance, swap out your “Clean Linen” Glade plug-in for “Hawaiian Breeze.” Your nose will be saying “mahalo” in no time!
  2. Expand your palate in mysterious Morocco. Walk down the international foods aisle at your local grocery store. Experiment with foreign ingredients like “saffron” and “chickpeas.” Grab a “Moroccan spice blend” while you’re at it. Set your taste buds free!
  3. Dine like a European. Make a reservation at a local Michelin-starred restaurant, order an expensive bottle of wine, and when the bill arrives, leave a big fat zero in the line for “tip.” Remember, you’re in a foreign country somewhere in the European Union, and tipping would be considered rude. When in Rome….
  4. Pamper yourself at a Swedish spa. Post an ad on Task Rabbit for a personal assistant. When he arrives, announce that today is “spa day” and you hope he has strong and supple hands. Call him Sven even if he insists his name is “Tom” and he’s not certified in Swedish or deep tissue massage. Don’t tip Sven (See #3).
  5. Make a wish in Italy. Inflate and fill your kiddie pool. Place your sculpture of a garden gnome in the center and spend all afternoon tossing pennies into your makeshift Trevi fountain. Fight the temptation to put on a flowing dress and jump in a la Sylvia in La Dolce Vita. If actual children try to jump in, turn the hose on them. This is a child-free vacation.
  6. Throw a tea party in Japan. Trek to your city’s replica of a Japanese garden with a thermos of Lipton green tea. Find a tranquil spot and share your bounty with locals that pass by. Do not lighten your skin or wear a kimono. Cultural appropriation is frowned upon, even in Japan.
  7. Indulge in Amsterdam’s coffee culture. Pack your favorite bong and strongest strain of weed and head to the local Starbucks. Grab a cold brew coffee (again, no tipping!) and find a cozy corner to light up. Close your eyes and you’re in Amsterdam (Sure, you may receive a citation or end up on the local news, but that’s part of the adventure)!
  8. Witness history in Olde England. Go down to the Federal Reserve Bank to watch the changing of the guards. Capture the moment in pictures for your staycation scrapbook. If anyone approaches, implies you’re “casing the joint,” and threatens to call the authorities, just laugh. You’re on vacation! When the authorities do show up, lead them on a cat and mouse chase through back alleyways that culminates in a decisive standoff. You prevail by using moves learned from a Krav Maga video, but alas, your victory is Pyrrhic.
  9. Don’t forget to keep a travel journal. With all of your adventures, you’ll want to document them for posterity. From a quiet corner of your jail cell, reflect on how your experiences have transformed you. Meet the gaze of your provocatively pierced cellmate and nod. After all, it’s really true what they say: while traveling, you really do meet the most interesting people.

Slackjaw

Medium humor. Large laughs.

Laura LeeLun

Written by

Comedy writer, member of Quick Pickle sketch troupe, co-host of Riff Raff Revolution podcast.

Slackjaw

Slackjaw

Medium humor. Large laughs.

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