How to flex so hard it rips a hole in the fabric of society

We all know regular exercise is key to long-term health. Especially muscle- and strength-training, which has a ton of benefits you won’t get with cardio. One benefit being the ability to flex your muscles so hard it ends up ripping a hole in the fabric of society.

Here is how you can achieve such a fitness goal.

1 . Care for your muscles every day. It will take time, but start slow. Slather them with soothing balms and moisturizing lotions. Cover them with rose petals. Talk to them, give them encouragement. It will be tempting to pick a favorite muscle on your body — say, your biceps—and give that muscle more attention. Amateur move. DO NOT PICK FAVORITES. It will cause your other muscles to become jealous and rebel against you, and you will never be able to flex good. Something to keep in mind!

2 . Regular muscle training is key, with one or two rest days thrown in for your precious muscles to recover. Your muscles are the meat-jewels attached to your bones, you must treat these precious gems as such. With respect and regular attention: Work your way up to lifting heavy weights and do circuit training to keep your muscles guessing. An hour in the gym—or in the forest lifting logs — should be plenty.

3 . After about a year of this regimen, your muscles will be big. Congratulations, you are now ready to flex hard enough to rip a hole in the fabric of society.

Here’s what you’ll need to do before you actually flex: Take all your money out from the bank and bury it in your yard. Once you flex so hard it dismantles all the institutions upon which our society functions, banks will no longer be trusted as a safe place to keep money. Similarly, if you have children or pets, you’ll want to lock them safely indoors before you flex. Once you flex so intensely that it rips a hole in the social contract that binds us, there’s no telling what people out there will do. You may want to stock up on canned goods and non-perishables as well.

4 . Now. On to the main event: Flexing so hard it rips a hole in the fabric of society: Stand naked in front of your window, showcasing all your well-developed muscles. Being naked is key: You do NOT want anything between your body and the outside world that could interfere with the power of your flex. (You might think silk clothing is thin enough not to interfere, but you would be WRONG. Trust me.)

Now… close your eyes, take a deep breath, and then, with one sudden rush of energy, tense up every muscle in your body for one (1) second. Let out a scream if you have to.

5 . After you have done this, there will be silence outside. That’s simply society ceasing to exist as you have just ripped a hole in it. You may then hear screaming and car alarms and dogs barking as everyone scrambles to figure out what the hell just happens. But you will know the truth: You just flexed your muscles so hard it ripped a hole in the fabric of society.

6 . Congratulations on your achievement! With society in disarray, and you being a large-muscled force to be reckoned with, you have the good fortune of being physically superior to everyone else in this new world you have created. Seize this opportunity! Proclaim yourself leader and rule with the might supplied by your powerful muscles. I have confidence in you!


As always, consult your physician before starting this or any new exercise regimen. This is not intended to be medical advice. I am not a doctor. But I am on Twitter. Follow me there.

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