How To Handle A Call With Ghostface When You Have Phone Anxiety
Remind yourself, “This will be over soon.” Your life, yes, but more importantly the call.
You’re home alone, making stovetop popcorn for movie night, when a sound makes you jump out of your skin.
The noise is scarier than a chainsaw. More disturbing than children creepily singing a nursery rhyme. More terrifying than the song recording you made on your Razr in middle school to see what you really sounded like.
The phone is ringing.
The second-worst sound in the universe. (First place goes to the doorbell, obviously.) Your heart pounds. You break out in a cold sweat.
A swift tap of the “decline” button and peace will be restored. Except this is one call you know you have to take.
Because there’s only one person it could be, the only person who would call you (everyone else is blocked or knows better). Especially on a night like this, when you’re by yourself with all the lights on and curtains wide open for some reason.
It has to be Ghostface.
Well, if you would rather die than take a phone call (be careful what you wish for!), you’ve come to the right place. Whether Ghostface is on hold or you’ve got a solo movie night coming up and just want to be ready, here are some killer tips. I promise it’ll be the best phone anxiety advice you’ll ever read — and, to be honest, probably the last thing you’ll ever read.
First, to calm your nerves a bit, think, “What’s the worst that can happen?” Although it may feel like it, phone calls are not life-or-death situations. Well, not usually.
Treat this like any ordinary call: rehearse your greeting at least twenty-five times in your head prior to answering. If you want to be extra prepared, try practicing “What do you want?” and “Leave me alone!” between frantic sobs.
Before you get too far into the conversation, tell him you’d really prefer to text instead. Point out all the fun knife, blood, and skull emojis he could send you. Hey, it’s worth a try.
He’ll probably ask you about your preference in horror movies. In this moment every single movie you have ever watched will vanish from your mind except for, inexplicably, Honey, I Shrunk the Kids. Don’t say that. He will laugh at you. Instead, go for the safe choice: “You know, the one with that guy.” Agree with whichever movie Ghostface thinks you’re talking about. Crisis averted.
Enough chitchat: next, he’ll invite you to play a game. At this point you might be losing hope and feeling as if this torture might last forever, but hang in there. Phone calls, like your tortured existence, are only temporary.
If you need to avoid passing out at any time, take a moment to visualize a peaceful scene. For example, picture this: Ghostface sunbathing on an island somewhere, no cell tower within a thousand-mile radius. Instead of a phone, he’s only holding a knife that’s dripping blood. Isn’t that a much more calming image?
Time for his final question (thank God). If your voice happens to be quivering as you answer, don’t be embarrassed. Unlike ordering a pizza, this is one situation where it is perfectly reasonable for your words to be laced with fear. For once in your life, this is a normal, appropriate reaction, so go on: quiver with confidence. Or, really, a total confidence in your total lack thereof.
Now, take a second to pat yourself on the back (if there’s not already a knife in it) as the sliding glass doors shatter behind you or a masked figure jumps out from behind the sofa. You made it! The call is over. You can finally relax.
