How To Leave A Rude Comment That Will Ruin A Writer’s Life

All miracles pale in comparison to the joy of ruining a writer’s life.

Ryan Fan
Ryan Fan
Oct 18 · 3 min read
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Image for post
From OpenClipart-Vectors on Pixabay

Walking on water. Turning water into wine. Sex. All these miracles pale in comparison to the joy of ruining a writer’s life with a single comment.

To be the most vicious and aggressive commenter of all time, follow my steps. There’s nothing better than putting arrogant “writers” in their place. One day, you might even take my title for “Writer’s Worst Nightmare.”

First, if the writer is talking about an extremely vulnerable experience in their lives, like losing a sibling, make them suffer for their vulnerability. Tell them, “yeah, your dead brother probably wasn’t that good of a person anyway,” and then move on.

The writer is probably feeling accomplished after all those positive comments they received about how “this article really helped me through my own traumatic time.” Who left that comment? Their mom? There always has to be a bad guy, and I’m more than willing to be the bad guy who’ll put the writer in their place.

Use an anonymous account so they can’t track you down. Don’t use your real name. Make sure to leave related comments from seven burner accounts to fan the flames of your first comment.

Your comment also needs to have horrible grammar, a plethora of typos, and a clear indication that you didn’t even read the article. You just looked at the headline, picture, and made a snap generalization about what the article is about — and that’s fine, because the writer doesn’t deserve your read. Because you are the rude commenter, and you’re a bigger expert on the topic than they are.

If the writer is a woman, be especially vicious. Use every misogynistic curse word in the book, and be so vicious that the writer resorts to using a pseudonym. If they already use a pseudonym, accuse them of not being brave enough to use their real name. It doesn’t matter that you’re not using your real name either. Anonymity is required if you don’t want to suffer any repercussions.

Occasionally, confuse the writer. Make it seem like you’re giving them a compliment, but then very quickly turn it into an insult. Show them you can turn on your command of extravagant vocabulary if you need to so they don’t even know if it’s a compliment or insult. After all, you’re smarter and better than the writer and need to prove it.

You’re just doing what’s good for the writer and exposing them to the real world. What were they expecting people to say? Nice things? It’s not like you have to say your rude comment to their face — because you’re an anonymous, unidentifiable account, there are no consequences for being an asshole.

Never, ever, apologize. Always double down on your viciousness, because after you do it for a while, leaving rude comments is akin to drug addiction — the more you do it, the less of a rush you get. You have to be more and more of an asshole to get the same rush.

Also, make sure to stalk them. Leave mean comments on their Instagram and Twitter pages. If they have a book on Amazon, leave one-star reviews from your numerous burner accounts.

Nothing makes you feel more like God than leaving a rude comment, so if you, like me, are unemployed, 40 years old, single, and living in your mom’s basement, take solace in the fact that you can still ruin a writer’s life by leaving a rude comment.

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Thanks to Ash Jurberg and sarah james

Ryan Fan

Written by

Ryan Fan

Believer, Baltimore City special ed teacher, and 2:40 marathon runner. Diehard fan of “The Wire,” God’s gift to the Earth. E-mail: ryanfan17@gmail.com

Slackjaw

Slackjaw

Medium humor. Large laughs.

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