How to make your co-workers think you’re competent.

11 steps to full competency perception.

  1. Invent a catchphrase that suggests your competence. I use: ‘You know me, I always meet deadlines.’
  2. Whenever a group email is sent out, ensure you ‘reply all’ and agree whole-heartedly with its content. You can set-up an automatic reply that states ‘I agree with the content’.
  3. Dress professionally. This means wearing a tie if you’re a man and nice shoes if you’re a lady.
  4. Whenever you’re walking around the office, ensure you’re carrying a piece of paper. This makes you look active and, therefore, competent.
  5. Bad-mouth your line-manager to your colleagues. Bad-mouth your colleagues to your line-manager. Each side of the management apartheid will already suspect the other is incompetent. If you position yourself in No Man’s Land, you will avoid HR’s artillery, should violent action be taken.
  6. Avoid all office socials, aside from the Christmas party. Get hammered at the Christmas party. Such behaviour suggests that you value your competency at work at all times of the year, but you are unafraid of loosening your hair when appropriate (at Christmas).
  7. Decorate your workstation with images that suggest competency. These will work subliminally and so create connections within your co-workers’ brains between images of competency and you. Examples of such images include: firemen, guide-dogs for the blind, Chairman Mao, Taylor Swift.
  8. Ensure you make copious notes in meetings. Nod as frequently as possible. Your notes may actually comprise of a shopping list. You may be nodding because you’re thinking of a past sexual encounter. This doesn’t matter — co-workers will imagine you’re 100% engaged in the meeting. Congratulate the chair at the meeting’s conclusion: ‘Great meeting, chair!’
  9. Always leave a coat or jacket over the back of your chair.
  10. Ensure your password for the work tech services is ‘100%COMPETENT’. The IT department will inevitably pass this information on to middle-management like they do all sensitive computer information.
  11. Never seek promotion. Let it seek you.

Think this a competent list? Do me a favour and recommend it — Medium give me $100 per recommend & I have a mortgage to pay, having recently been released from my office job.