How To Master The Heimlich Maneuver
10,000 hours of practice makes perfect.
To begin, you have to find some people who are choking. Now, you’ve probably done the math in your head. In order to practice for 10,000 hours to master the Heimlich (because to become a master of anything you must spend 10,000 hours practicing), then you’d have to practice on about 10,000 people that are choking. Well, you’re wrong. It’s actually way more people than that. Your first lesson is that a person can’t choke for one whole hour. From my experience, a person will die from choking well before an hour has run out. What that means is you should try your best to save them before an hour has elapsed, but also don’t be too hasty so you can chip away at those 10,000 hours. A good rule of thumb is to wait until they’ve turned blue.
Even with this handy trick, it’s unrealistic to assume that you can find over 10,000 people who are spontaneously choking. Choking is dangerous because it’s uncommon, so the first way to take away its power is to make it more common. Now, the easiest way to make choking more common is to serve your friends and family a diet of exclusively foods that are common choking hazards, such as nuts, popcorn, grapes, overcooked chicken, and oversized Dutch pretzels. If they eat these foods three times a day every day, you’re bound to have at least one person choke. Now, if that’s not enough practice for you, you can try startling them just as they’re about to swallow. That way you just have to wait for them to turn blue and then Heimlich away. Your test subjects might find the frequency of their choking and your startling annoying but remind them that all of this is to save their lives.
You might have noticed I haven’t explained the technique of the Heimlich Maneuver yet. That’s because I also believe the best learning method is based on trial and error. You’ll find out pretty quickly whether you’re doing this right or not. Instant results. I suggest initially experimenting with random people and then working up to experimenting on your family. Whether it’s the pizza delivery guy or your Great Aunt Ida, it’s good to remind the person to whom you’re giving the Heimlich that you’re still learning and you’re trying your best and hopefully they will be sympathetic. If they aren’t, remind them that they’re the one who is choking, and they shouldn’t really be too picky about who is saving their life. If that doesn’t convince them, then maybe it’s best to find a new test subject. And maybe a good attorney.
