How to Mindlessly Scroll Faster

Bonus hot girl (via Unsplash)

It’s time to re-claim your “valuable” free-time. These five simple tricks will supercharge your ability to consume the frankly amazing amount of content needed to sustain your daily existence. Hey: it’s called a “feed” for a reason.

Lose the magnifying glass, though (via Unsplash)

Four Point Font

Why are you wasting your time on full-size content? Do whatever it takes to create a content singularity. Everything should appear as small and infinitely dense as possible. Reading comprehension tests are a thing of the past now!

Rule of thumb: difficult words should be less than one rice-grain long.

Euphoria is best side-effect of all time! (via Unsplash)

Consider Doing Meth

Talk about a life-hack! Not only will meth bring joy back into your life, it’ll also make you incapable of being slow! Your sober scrolling rate is no match for a meth-fueled hyper-scrolling session. It’s truly a wonder-drug. You might even lose a few of those nasty pounds — quickly!

Meth may make you want to stop and touch yourself, but keep scrolling!

Do you understand? (via Unsplash)


Follow content you literally can’t understand. You’ll skip everything in your feed — even the stuff that matters. You’ll drift off into oblivion, as the nearly infinite scrolling rate quickly evaporates whatever was left inside your disappointing skull.

Hell, you might even learn a foreign word or two.

It’ll all be over soon (via Unsplash)

Get a Deadly Disease

When you’re deathly ill, your mortality is apparent. You value your time more. As a result, you’ll consume only the finest content the internet has to offer.

You will scroll much faster.

Avoid getting a chronically painful illness.

Goodbye (via Unsplash)

It’s All Completely Meaningless

Finally: the no-point font. Once you fully comprehend this meaningless existence, you’ll be more inclined — eager, even — to skip through content arbitrarily. One day, you’ll find all your hopeless skipping was worth it.

Death is coming for you. Stay on your toes, and scroll even faster today!


Medium humor. Large laughs.

Thanks to Alex Baia

Elliott Gregory Dehnbostel

Written by

Software engineer, comedy moonlighter. Tongue-tied and twisted, just an Earth-bound misfit. Employers: comedy is supposed to evoke laughter and make a point.



Medium humor. Large laughs.

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