It’s time to re-claim your “valuable” free-time. These five simple tricks will supercharge your ability to consume the frankly amazing amount of content needed to sustain your daily existence. Hey: it’s called a “feed” for a reason.
Four Point Font
Why are you wasting your time on full-size content? Do whatever it takes to create a content singularity. Everything should appear as small and infinitely dense as possible. Reading comprehension tests are a thing of the past now!
Rule of thumb: difficult words should be less than one rice-grain long.
Consider Doing Meth
Talk about a life-hack! Not only will meth bring joy back into your life, it’ll also make you incapable of being slow! Your sober scrolling rate is no match for a meth-fueled hyper-scrolling session. It’s truly a wonder-drug. You might even lose a few of those nasty pounds — quickly!
Meth may make you want to stop and touch yourself, but keep scrolling!
Follow content you literally can’t understand. You’ll skip everything in your feed — even the stuff that matters. You’ll drift off into oblivion, as the nearly infinite scrolling rate quickly evaporates whatever was left inside your disappointing skull.
Hell, you might even learn a foreign word or two.
Get a Deadly Disease
When you’re deathly ill, your mortality is apparent. You value your time more. As a result, you’ll consume only the finest content the internet has to offer.
You will scroll much faster.
Avoid getting a chronically painful illness.
It’s All Completely Meaningless
Finally: the no-point font. Once you fully comprehend this meaningless existence, you’ll be more inclined — eager, even — to skip through content arbitrarily. One day, you’ll find all your hopeless skipping was worth it.
Death is coming for you. Stay on your toes, and scroll even faster today!