How to Profit on the Women’s Movement

To Make Money, You Have to Think Like Amazon

Roberta Cory with a hat made from a recycled sweater. No commercial opportunity there.

The way you get rich during a gold rush isn’t by striking gold but by selling miners pickaxes and shovels… and maybe insurance and toilet paper… or perhaps creams that ameliorate the symptoms of venereal diseases… you get the idea. So when I see a million women marching to broadcast their humanity, I think… “there’s an opportunity here. How do I get a piece of that?” Wait! No. Scratch that. I say, “How can I get in on this action?” NO! I fucked up again. I think, “how can I make the women’s march about me, a guy?” There. That’s what I wanted to say.

They Didn’t Make It Easy

I got to hand it to women. Right off the bat they kind of de-commercialized their march by making hand-knit hats the defining piece of protest wear.

If you’re thinking, “We should sell knitting-needles at the march,” then you are the kind of dim-witted slacker who would fit right in here at the Mill. I would offer you a job, but if I gave you a job then my little brother would know I was lying when I said that we had no jobs.

Obviously, you can’t sell knitting needles at the march, and you can’t sell signs either. Women are very, very, good at making signs, as Claire McAlpine pointed out:

When women pound the streets, they carry the best protest signs #womensmarch

left sign via one six nine through the article above.

So, What Do We Sell?

To figure out what we are going to sell at the next march, we have to think like big data. Big data knows what you care about, but… more importantly… it knows what you don’t care about.

For example, Amazon knows that when I buy condiments, it’s always a considered purchase. When I go to buy paper towels, however, I click on whatever crap the online marketers push to my screen. The margin in online retail is in selling mediocre goods that people don’t care about at bad, but not ridiculous, prices.

When you look at these pictures, what do you see? Or, more importantly, what do you not see?

Washington

Boston

You know what I don’t see? I don’t see any sandwiches. I don’t see any chips. I don’t see any beef jerky. I bet in both of those pictures there isn’t a single Slim Jim. Not one!

I bet they all brought water. You know they have plenty of water. There are some energy bars in there, but I bet not one of those women has a large Italian sub with lettuce, tomatoes, onions, AND hot pepper relish in their backpack. I would.

So here’s the plan: At the next women’s march, we’re going to sell grilled cheese sandwiches and coffee. Everyone likes grilled cheese. We set up a little table, put a Coleman stove on it, melt a lot of butter, paint my pickup truck pink, and sell grilled cheese and coffee. For an extra $.75, we’ll put a slice of tomato on the grilled cheese. WE’RE GOING TO BE RICH!

Let’s just hope Roxy doesn’t show up.