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How To Race Pigeons Professionally In Your Living Room

Photo by Vivek Doshi on Unsplash

Pigeon racing. Sport of Kings.

No, that’s horse racing.

Pigeon racing. Sport of Barons.

That means you.

Yes, you. Baron von Squab.

I don’t mean to influence you.


Pigeons. Pigeons!

You want them.

You need them.

In your home.

Homing pigeons.

Have a pigeon?

Got a pigeon?

Want a pigeon?

Get a pigeon.

If you want to race pigeons, you’ll need pigeons.

This isn’t rocket science.

It’s feather reliance.

What does that mean?

I don’t know, but it rhymes.

Go with it.

If you’re serious about racing, you’ll need a special brand of homing pigeon.

Get yourself some voyageurs.

Do they speak French? Are they carrying beaver pelts and canoes?

You’ve got the wrong kind of voyageurs. Put them back in Lower Canada where you found them.

You need pigeons.


The birds that crap on your car.

No matter where you park it.

At Epcot.

Next to the Red Sea.

In the 10th sub-basement level of a parking garage in Bulgaria.

You can park your car in a hermetically sealed dome on the moon and Pigeons will find a way to crap on it.

Pigeons will make a liturgical mess of your car.

It is God’s will for Pigeons to crap.

Okay, so you’ve got your racing pigeons.

These are not your mother’s Cornish game hens.

They are fancy pigeons.

And you are a pigeon fancière.

Are you ready?


Put the pigeons in your living room.

Line them up along the top of your sectional.

Play some relaxing music.

Like Korn.

Pigeons find Korn relaxing.

Sometimes Pigeons peck and eat Korn, but that’s as may be.

Close and lock all of your windows and doors.

Now, to get those pigeons racing, release the greyhound.

You will need a greyhound with a 55-passenger capacity and onboard entertainment system.

Once your passengers are in place, release the handbrake on your Greyhound bus.

Ramming the sectional acts like a starter’s pistol.

Pigeons exhibit a powerful pyroclastic take-off, rising vertically from a standing start for up to 20 meters, or until they hit your stucco ceiling. Like Harrier Jump Jets.

A group of pigeons in flight is known as a kerfluffle.

The kerfluffle needs guidance.

From you.

Driving the greyhound through the partition wall between your living room and kitchen provides both extra motivation for the pigeons as well as giving them a sense of the direction you want them to fly.

It also stops them settling on your kitchen counter and eating your Kornflakes.

If one of your passengers starts lobbing strategic seeds at the pigeons, hit the lateral ejector button for his seat. He will land in your garbage disposal. He thought he was a winner.

But we both know that the real winner is you.

Now it’s time to close the loop. Crank that bus back around to your living room like it’s a sheepdog herding ducks at Crufts. Never mind that its rear end is hanging off your balcony, ’cause there’s pigeons aloft and it’s time to send them home. Back to the sectional.

Where it all began.

In the beginning was the word.

And the word was Feather Bonanza.

Granted, there’s two. But they’re both words.

The kerfluffle has landed.

Your sectional is covered in birds.

A group of grounded pigeons is known as a coo.

Now, make sure to park the greyhound squarely between the coo and your flat-screen TV.

The pigeons will, of course, crap all over it.

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(with thanks to Alex Baia)



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Sarah Totton

Sarah Totton

Sarah Totton writes comedy and snorgles small mammals. She once gave a reading on a flatbed truck at a garden center to an audience of three ferns.