How To Seduce Your Quarantine Sweatpants
The heart wants what it wants.
They may be stained with wine, soy sauce, and tears, but by God, they’re HOT! You want to be with your sweatpants in a biblical way — it’s time to seal the deal and seduce the pants off those pants.
Phase 1: Stir up your sweatpants’ desire
Unfortunately, you’ve already shown deep interest by wearing your sweatpants the entire year, non-stop. Typically, you would want to appear aloof and unattainable, but you cannot turn back time, so press on.
A controversial tactic at this point would be to notice something odd about your sweatpants. Calling attention to a flaw can make your sweatpants insecure, thus making them easier to seduce. “My, my, you do seem to be wearing thin in the crotch.” Or “Have you always been so purple?” Your sweatpants will wallow in self-doubt.
Phase 2: Tempt and be mysterious
Tempt your sweatpants with something they cannot resist. Do your sweatpants ever express the desire to be washed? Use this fantasy to your advantage and hint that this may come true. “My sweatpants smell. Should I wash them?” Then let it go and never mention it again. Oh, so mysterious.
