How To Start A Fight With Family Over The Holidays
Take the last sip of Angel’s Envy Rye and say…
“When you get angry about my opinion regarding your all-white nativity scene, please remember you paid for my history degree.”
“There’s no way I came out of your vagina.”
“What’s Twitter Blue?”
“Consent is required even if she’s standing under the mistletoe, Uncle Abe.”
“Thank you for the cruelty-free mashed potatoes with soy milk. Now can we have a moment of silence for our dead guest, the turkey?”
“Sorry mom, I didn’t realize that washing underwear with the regular load required a second trip to confession.”
“This house is way too small for five adults who chew almonds louder than Grandpa quotes Fox News.”
“I’ll put my glasses on after I clean your living room. It’s for everyone’s well-being I not clearly see what I’m sitting in.”
“Honestly. If you don’t want to hear my thoughts on the impracticality of monogamy, don’t bring up Will Smith.”
“Where’s the plunger?”
“Some people *enjoy* getting urinated on.”
“I understand you’re from the south, but you chose a northern school. And we sprang for a winter…
