How To Talk To A New Mom
If You Are Her Partner
Be casual. Ignore how she’s deep lunging around the coffee table and crying louder than the baby. Ask how her day went. When she stares back at you in Tuesday’s pajamas, say “Nevermind, jeez.” Crack open a cold one and plop down on the couch. Cross your ankles on the coffee table.
If You Are the New Grandma
Congratulate her. Then mention how there was no pain medication back when you had babies plunging through your uterus. Pat her head and tell her it’s totally OK to be hormonal.
If You Are a Fellow New Mom from the Diaper Aisle at Target
Smile and say “Yikes! I had bad acne once too.” Mention your multi-level marketing skincare business, and invite her to join your Facebook group to learn more.
If You Are Her Co-Worker
Email her to check-in. Be sure to mention Janine landed the Britax account. Also, Marcy took her desk. Tell her a lot of her stuff went to recycle, but there’s a small box of stuff they kept — it’s in the Ladies’ Room vanity. Patty broke the mug with her kid’s photo on it. Ask what kind of plant she had. The group would like to replace it with the same kind before she comes back.
If You Are the How-To Video for Her New Baby-Wearing Apparatus
Cast a 6-foot tall supermodel gymnast as the Mom. Show her wrapping a baby in sixty yards of stretchy fabric crisscrossing her body two hundred and seventeen times and tying in a Half Windsor knot at her fatless back. The baby should smile.
If You are Her Dry Cleaner
Coo over the baby, then look the mom up and down. Tell her you know how to let out pants.
If You Are Amazon Prime
Rather than relying on search data from the nine years before she had a baby, suggest she “might also like” Contour Super-Plus Heavy Absorbency Pads, 496-count.
If You Are a Muffin
Unless you can guarantee uninterrupted sleep followed by a long, hot shower, do not call yourself Morning Glory. Alternate names: “Endless Tears” or “Afternoon Slump.” Be sure you are full of chocolate chips, cake batter, or uppers.
If You Are a Mommy Blog That Doesn’t Swear
You’re f***ing dead to her.