How To Win Friends And Influence People, According To My Three-Year-Old Niece
Anyone with half a heart — and half an ear — would ask you why you are crying.
Step #1: Bait them
Never forget your ABCs: Always Be Crying. This is the oldest trick in the book. Anyone with half a heart — and half an ear — will ask why you’re crying.
If need be, play dirty. Cover yourself in mud. On your pants is good. On your face is better. In your mouth is best. In case none of these makes the cut, just walk around rubbing your eyes and sobbing, “Have you seen my mommy?” Works every time. That’s my three-year-old guarantee.
Step #2: Hook them
Next, ask them if they’ve seen your teddy bear. It doesn’t matter if you don’t have one. Grown-ups just love helping out! However, never ask for anything too difficult. Once, I enlisted a grown-up to help me find my galloping fairyland unicorn, and it was a complete disaster. I lost more prospects than I can count, and I can count to five. Ask for something doable.
Step #3: Reel them in
The success of this step is directly proportional to the number of pigtails you have. For good measure, wear pink overalls and stick a lollipop in your cheek. This shit will keep a grown-up interested in you for fifty hundred quarters’ time. Am I doing math right? It doesn’t matter — I am as cute as a bunny in a teacup. Pay attention!
Step #4: Catch them
Now it’s time to engage in a conversation with them. Ask them whatever you want: their name, their favorite color, or even if they like ponies.
Did you learn what their favorite toy is? Good. Now bring out the big guns — and I don’t mean pooping your pants. Hug their leg and announce, with a glowing smile, “I love you, [prospect’s name]. You are my best friend!”
Trust me. They’re yours now.
Step #5: The grand finale
It’s time to make your exit. But before that, you need to make yourself unforgettable.
Tell your prospect that you found your mommy, who you strategically left chatting on her phone on a bench 60 feet away. Now it’s praising time. Yell your lungs out about how nice the prospect was and how many things they taught you. Repeat something you already know and pretend that you learned it from the prospect. Example: “Brigitte taught me that the sky is blue.” That’s a classic.
Then, tell them to kneel next to you. Hug them. Playfully kiss them goodbye on both cheeks. And just before letting go, whisper in their ear, “I own your ass now, bitch.”
And, dear grown-up, that’s how you win friends and influence people.