How to Wrap a Gift

1. Identify your gift.

Hold your gift in front of you, cradle it gently but firmly.
Understand the contours of its shape and the nuances of its personality. Run your hand over it softly to calm it in preparation. It is not required but it can be helpful to get close to the object and whisper, “do not be afraid of this, for it is not the wrapping that precedes death but, rather, the wrapping precedes rebirth.”

2. Make sure you have a large, clean space to work with.

Eliminate distractions both physically and mentally. Tell your family to vacate the premises and ideally, the State. Throw your phone into a nearby body of water. Bury the TV in a shallow grave. If you have a fresh sage stick nearby, light it and swiftly detoxify the air near your wrapping station. Febreeze will also work.

3. Gather your supplies

Like your ancient ancestors before you the time has now come for you to hunt and gather. This is the journey of a craftsman and to come ill-prepared is to accept defeat upon first steps. You will need sheers. Blades sharp and glistening, ones that conjure the majesty of King Arthur’s court and the precision of the noble samurai. You will also need an adhesive, one strong enough to hold together the fabric of generosity while remaining a phantom, invisible to the receiver’s eye. I…