How Will I Prove I’m A Free Spirit If You Won’t Let Me Pose Nude For This Art Class?
Hi there. I’m the free spirited best friend in a Hollywood romcom. If I’d brought my ukulele, you’d be able to tell I’m a free spirit from the weed sticker on my ukulele, or from the fact that I have a ukulele. But unfortunately I left my ukulele at home, and so — you’re going to need to let me pose nude for your art class.
You see, I’m about to get a phone call from my uptight best friend, Kate (or maybe Pam? I’m too free spirited to remember names.) Kate/Pam is about to call me in a panic from the bathroom of her Office Magazine Job, because she embarrassed herself in front of her coworker, Sexy Michael. And I need to quickly establish that I’m everything Kate/Pam isn’t (open, free, comfortable in her body) by being today’s nude model.
Hear me out. There are almost no ways to prove I’m quirky, brave, and a little unpredictable other than standing in front of twenty strangers while wearing a bathrobe, and then letting that bathrobe drop around my ankles.
Has volunteering to be a nude model ever worked out for me? I’ll be honest, not really! It usually ends with someone saying “s’il vois plait, madame, c’est La Louvre,” or calling Amtrak security.
But I’m confident now is my time. When I first peel off my peasant top, one teenage boy will be like “whoa” and one old woman will be like “whoa” and I’ll be like “I know.” And then everyone else will understand that I’m self-possessed and march to the beat of my own bare ass, which I brought photographs of for people to take home if they want.
Don’t worry if you can’t afford to pay me. I’m not in this for the money. If I can prove I’m a confident, and adventurous woman by having my left sideboob captured in charcoal, that’s enough for me.
I hear what you’re saying, that this is a “logo design class for tech-startups” and “nude models aren’t really required.” But in a way, posing for a class of Photoshop nerds makes me MORE of a free spirit! When people see my nude form in front of rows of gleaming Mac monitors, they’ll think “now there’s a juxtaposition of the organic and the material that really says something about that woman’s personality.” Namely, that I’m the kind of person who’s fine being naked in a computer lab.
Hmmm? You’re saying that someone can be bold, exciting, and confident without taking off all her clothes? No, I don’t think so. I must be in my birthday suit. Which is a good name for it because I end all my birthdays in the nude, smearing funfetti icing on my nipples.
I really think it would be best for me to prove I’m down for spontaneous adventures that I think will solve Kate/Pam’s romance problems but only end up creating more, different problems by removing everything but my three toe rings and letting strangers gape at my belly button. (It’s half innie, half outie, and you’re gonna want to see it for yourself.)
Plus, when Kate/Pam calls, I’ll answer my phone in front of the whole class. I know what you’re thinking: you’ll be naked, where are you keeping the phone? Only one way to find out, my friend. Only one way to find out.
So please. Let me prove I’m a free spirit by posing nude for this art class. I promise I’ll only move constantly.