Howard Hughes’ Airbnb House Rules

Welcome to my home! Built in 1928, the estate features over two dozen citrus trees and is conveniently located near highly desirable tourist attractions such as Universal Studios, Griffith Observatory, and the Los Angeles County sewage treatment plant.

No pets are permitted on the property. This includes dogs, cats, livestock, domestic or foreign birds, fish, rodents, human children, insects, human lice and intestinal parasites (including but not limited to tapeworms, flukes, and roundworms).

You will find that your fridge has been filled with my favorite goodies. Feel free to eat as many peas and drink as much chocolate milk as you like! My staff has helpfully stocked your room with a blender for mixing the two together — I like to call it a “Brown Peashake.” Upon request, the cooking staff can be made available to guests — ask about our house special, the warm toenail sandwich. (Please note that my staff are highly sensitive individuals. They do not seem to appreciate being touched with feces or repeatedly spat on. Please keep this in mind as you communicate with them.)

Smoking IS permitted in designated areas of the estate. You may smoke tobacco products in the crawlspace below the garage as well as up in the oak tree on the far Northeast corner of the property. These spaces are unclearly marked. Smoking in any other area of the estate will result in a vigorous cavity search.

Due to risk of contamination, the estate pool has been emptied and fully dried. However, you may find it enjoyable to take tea and soak up the Southern California sun while lounging in the concrete shallow end.

Occasionally, you may spot shy coyotes on the property. If you enjoy wildlife viewing, your room has a pair of top-quality binoculars. If you do not enjoy wildlife viewing, your room has also a Winchester 12 gauge shotgun.

A delightfully whimsical feature, you will find jars of urine scattered across the estate. Please do not drink my urine.

Filming and video production on the estate ARE permitted if the project falls into previously approved categories. Approved genres include: preventing poliovirus, preventing tuberculosis, preventing typhus, preventing cholera, airborne WWI combat movies, and romantic comedies starring Jonah Hill. Please keep all filming limited to the hours of 6am — 7am.

Free wifi is provided across the estate! The wifi network is “Kleenex.” The password is “quarantine.”

Guests are welcome to enjoy the use of my private jet! A minor subcharge of $38,670 will be applied to your Airbnb bill. Per mile. If you are not accustomed to flying a jet, you can find warped 1951 pilot instructional manual in the glovebox.

On my interaction with guests: No.

There is a large furnace on the south estate. Upon check-out, please dispose of all used bed linens, towels, dishes, and other refuse here.

Please ignore the indistinct moaning that occurs from 10pm — 5am nightly. You did not hear that moaning.

Thank you and enjoy your visit at Hughes Estate! (Most) positive reviews will be reciprocated.

Follow me on Twitter! (@rileycoyote) Visit my website for more internet funnies.

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