I Am A Conductor And I Have No Idea What I’m Doing
Life is a funny thing sometimes. One day you’re wandering the streets, unemployed and unemployable, when suddenly you’re surrounded by wasps. You swat at them, your arms gesturing wildly in the air, trying to protect both your face and the open can of Dr. Pepper that is in your pocket. This goes on for some time, unfortunately. Or… fortunately?
The incredibly brave act of fighting off these wasps, of standing your ground and not giving them the can of Dr. Pepper as they demand shifts the universe in a fundamental way. For once things are moving in your direction, instead of constantly pulling away from you. The wasps disperse, the battle over for now. A human hand slaps you hard on the shoulder and says, “Son, that’s the best goddamn conducting I’ve ever seen.” Within an hour you have a six-figure salary, a fancy little stick and all the Dr. Pepper you can drink.
That was me. That was my story. In the 20 years since, I have travelled the world, performed for dignitaries and royalty, bought a bread maker and made my own brioche and I’m not ashamed to say that I have no clue what I’m doing when it comes to conducting an Orchestra. It used to bother me, but nowadays I could care less. Standing in front of 100 musicians with their various thing-a-ma-jigs (I could never be bothered to learn the names of the musical contraptions) I just…
