I Am a Giant Peach and I Am Here to Draft All the Jameses

Hi, I’m a giant peach, and I’m drafting all the Jameses to set sail on a massive fruit.

Look, I know what you’re thinking. A giant peach and a James…together? Not this old song and dance. I get it, but let me ask you, have you ever actually seen a James and a giant peach together? And not just one James, but every single James in America?

A little background about me: I’ve been giant my whole life, and you know what? People love oversized things. A big red dog? Sure. A giant gorilla that falls in love with a woman then climbs the Empire State Building? Kinda weird but why not. But nobody cares about a giant peach, or rather, nobody cares about how I feel. They just put me on display and take credit for being the town with the world’s largest peach until I rot and become forgotten.

Not today, Satan!

I got the idea to draft all the Jameses of our country while I was taking thousands of photos with tourist families and some absent-minded kid dropped their copy of James and the Giant Peach right under my nose. I read it as quickly as the wind would turn the page — it was like getting a message from the gods. I was overcome with inspiration. A giant peach, setting sail with a James, seizing the day and embarking on an adventure that would shape them into the people and/or fruit they would ultimately become?

Excitement overwhelmed me to my very pit, and now, here we are.

I’m sure you have a few questions, which I’m fully prepared to answer. You may ask, why should we send our Jameses to set sail on an oversized fruit? And why do you need all them?

First, it is their destiny. Like Hercules defeating Hades, it was written in the stars. Technically it was written in Roald Dahl’s book, but you get the gist. Second, I’m not about to half-ass the greatest adventure of my life, so I’m doing this right the first time. All the Jameses or none at all. Go big or go home, baby.

Now, if I had a penny every time someone asked me this: how in the world are all the Jameses going to fit into a single fruit?

Listen, I’ve done my research, and according to a 2018 census there are 5.4 million Jameses in the United States. While this number is high, I can assure you it will not result in overcrowding as I am, once again, a giant peach.

Lastly, I’m going to state once and for all that we will not be joined by a grasshopper with a monocle, or some stupid spider wearing some stupid beret, or, hell, I don’t know, a centipede puffing a cigar AS THOUGH HE’S A STEAM ENGINE HIMSELF!?! This is not a fantasy, this is real life, and I expect you all to take this very seriously.

Jims, Jimmys, and Jimbos are not exempt from this draft.

Jameses, please report to Port Newark where I have docked by the end of this week. This James and Giant Peach adventure is totally gonna kick every other James and Giant Peach adventure’s ass!!

Looking forward to meeting all you Jameses soon!

Love,

The Peach