I Am a #GirlBoss and I Will Not Apologize For Making You Toil in the Mines

Hey there diva goddess!

First off, I want to say that you are perfection.You are fierceness personified. You are Sheryl Sandberg in a sensible pump selling off a trove of private data to a shadowy foreign adversary. That being said, if you don’t shut up and get back to toiling in the mines I’ll have a scab in here quicker than you can say Norma Rae (NOT a #GirlBoss).

You look at me and I know what you see: a fully self-actualized entrepren-her who will not apologize for speaking her truth. And as of right now that truth happens to be that you’re getting soot all over my Manolo Blahniks. I ask no favors for my sex, all I ask is that you confine yourself to the garbage bag I laid down on the floor.

You come in here whining about poor working conditions this and sub-minimum wage that, but you’re never going to succeed as a #GirlBoss with that kind of victim mentality. Why do you think I went ahead and replaced all the electric lights with votive candles of Ruth Bader Ginsburg? To save money? Yes, to save money. But also to instill some badass feminine self-respect into you lady layabouts.

Let me give you a piece of advice: behind every successful woman is herself. I realize that this isn’t technically advice, but I say this to myself whenever I have to shred some environmental impact assessments and it’s always made me feel better. Something to keep in mind when you’ve had a long day of ceaseless drudgery in the bowels of the earth.

Above all else, you should be remembering to practice self care. If I’m ever having a stressful day leaning in (to my microphone, testifying before Congress), I like to kick back with a chemical peel or charcoal face mask. Actually, by the looks of your face right now I think you may be doing a little too much self care- you have to remember to wash the charcoal off, sweetie.

Now listen up you little fashionista (that’s a combination of fashion and Sandinista), you’re never going to make it in this world by grumbling or complaining or bargaining collectively. You have to take the bull by the ovaries and make it happen for yourself. You have to take a good, hard look at your own face in the mirror, and then slather it with an entire paycheck’s worth of skin serums. You have to recognize that complaints are best settled over mimosas at brunch and not at the National Labor Relations Board.

In essence: you better work!