I Am A Home Depot Floor Rep And If You Catch Me I Must Grant You 3 Wishes

Illustration by Emily Clouse

From the moment you locked eyes with me from the crappy parking space next to the buggy return, I’ve fled. My dark gifts were not meant to be shared with the question-asking, Tacoma-driving rabble that haunt these concrete corridors like sheep that graze on loose bolts and washers. And yet, you bested me.

You’ve come such a long way and endured so much to get here. I eluded you in the Plywood Jungle. Splintered and shouting “HOW MUCH FOR THIS PLATINUM COPING SAW?!” you pursued me through the towering Necropolis of Vinyl Blinds and braved the PVC Pits of Insanity. Spattered in latex-based paint, none in the shade you wanted, you hounded me over the mile-high peaks of The Great Backsplash Range. If not for my hubris, you would likely have perished in the Labyrinth of Model Doors. Of the thousands of options available to me, I chose to hide behind a screen door, where you ultimately cornered me.

However, I’m a man of my word. You’ve earned the three wishes that, as “Frank the Floor Rep” foretold in our corporate training video, I am contractually obligated to grant you — but you should be warned. Think carefully about what you wish…