I Am God And Hereby Decree That Unpaid Angel Internships Will Fucking Stay

Zack Hunt

As God, I’m sick and tired of hearing all these fucking H.R. complaints about my unpaid angel internships. I’m not letting those shitty interns tarnish my divine image anymore.

Some of you may ask, how could you let these poor angels work without pay? Well, I’m fucking glad that some of you asked.

What these angel interns don’t fucking tell you is all the valuable experience they’re getting on the job. Flying down to earth and saving people from death may be a bitch, but it sure has hell builds character. This is critical to their angelic development, and the last thing they should be worried about is a livable wage. I may be The Almighty Lord, but I have to be fiscally fucking conservative. Who do they think I am, The Bill and Melinda Fucking Gates Foundation?

Did those angels tell you about the perks of the job? I bet they didn’t, those fuckers. Well, now that I have your attention, I think it goes without saying that holy water on tap is a pretty fucking big deal. You’re not going to find that at any company. Maybe Whole Foods has that employee benefit, I don’t fucking know. It’s been a while since I convinced Pope Francis bless their $8 bottles of Kombucha. All I’m saying is that if these angels don’t stop complaining, I’ll replace that holy water with the tears of St. Peter. Just watch me, fuckheads.

Am I being good and just? I hope I am. It’s part of my fucking brand. Except when I get angry. Then I stop answering all those stupid prayers for several days. Point is, company policies are there for a reason. We haven’t changed our hiring practices since rolling out The New Testament, and it’s been working out just fucking diddly doo fine. I mean, my God, do these interns even know how competitive it is to get into Heaven? Jesus Christ.

Look, if they don’t want to intern here, I hear that Good Ole’ Fucking Satan is always hiring. Hell has plenty of work-life balance if they’re into that sort of thing. But not fulfillment and meaning. You’ll only find that fucking shit here in Heaven.

Just ask Jesus, a former intern. That guy knows how to fucking hustle.


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