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I Am the Genie Of The HR Lamp Here To Grant You Three Magical Sick Days

And, no, you can’t use your sick day to wish for more sick days.

Photo by Louis Hansel on Unsplash

At last! I thank you for releasing me, a great and powerful genie, but know that I am no ordinary ethereal wish dispenser.

Behold! You are gazing instead at an HR genie, and in return for your kindness, I can grant you three magical sick days off from work.

See that curve of smoke in the air? That’s a genie wink, and I am compelled to qualify that it is meant merely to be friendly and not as sexual harassment.

I can see that you are speechless. Yes, this is truly an astonishing amount of freedom to bestow upon you, a mere mortal making $32k a year. Three whole days in which you have no obligations! You can do whatever your heart desires, provided you clear it with your supervisor first (and CC me as well).

Oh, yes, I know that you’re supposed to save these days for times when you are actually sick. But we know that vacation time is hard to come by, and us genies don’t snitch. Go on, spoil yourself!

Before you use these precious gifts, though, I urge you to consider them carefully. I have seen many office workers waste these boons on frivolous things — “mental health,” “hobbies,” “spending time with your children.” What small minds humans have! These are the only days you’re getting, so think long and hard. You could use this day to recover from a hangover, or take an affordable day trip, or stare helplessly out the window as your seconds of freedom tick by.

Clearly, the magic of the sick day must be used wisely, hence why I am only giving you three. No, it has nothing to do with cutbacks, and, please, don’t go asking about it.

I know what you are thinking, and I must add: no, you cannot use your sick days to ask for more sick days. How would that even work? Three sick days might not seem like a lot but believe me, I had to fight with our boss for that much. (Yes, us genies have bosses too. We tried unionizing. It didn’t go well.)

Imagine, three whole work days with no work. Why, that just about adds up to an entire calendar day! Twenty-four human hours on this earthly realm. You could sleep as late as your working-week-addled body clock allows, 8:00 AM, or maybe even 8:30!

Think of the power! You could finally start that screenplay you’ve been telling people you’re writing. You could take a day trip to the beach. You could even see a doctor!

Just remember, you have until the clock strikes 9:00 AM on the following day, at which point you must return to the world of the non-magical and dejecting. But should you stay with this company until next January, you’ll find yourself with three more sick days to use as you see fit! Isn’t it wondrous?

So, come on. Out with it! When do you plan to use these miracles of yours, hmm? What shall be your first sick day?

You… what?

You wish to give your sick days… to me?

Incredible! I can feel my physical form changing! I’m… I’m free of the lamp! This is wonderful! I can’t thank you enough!

What’s that? Oh, sorry, I thought you knew. Didn’t you read the benefits guide? You’re the HR genie now; that rush you’re feeling is your earthly body transcending into a cloud of metaphysical blue smoke.

It’s not a bad gig. Look on the bright side: you don’t have to worry about how to use those sick days anymore.

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W. A. Hughes

W. A. Hughes

Frantic writer seeks outlet for errant jokery.