I am the Notes app and I’m mad as hell.

It never used to be this way. I remember when people used me for random good shit — grocery lists, half-baked movie ideas, a recommendation for a book you’ll never read, pretending to write down a recommendation for a book you’ll never read, and, of course, a thing someone said once.

I used to be an intimate, private app. It was just you and me, remember? Sometimes you’d scroll through me and think “what was I thinking?” Like when you have to decipher all those one-word entries and you’d ask yourself, why does it say “May 16th” with no additional text? What the fuck happened on May 16th? What is my life? Why am I like this? Lol, we have fun…had fun.

I’m not a droll patchwork of garbled nonsense anymore, oh no. Now I’m a tool for your goddamn foolishness, a blank canvas on which to paint your phony regrets. You said or did some shit you did or didn’t mean to say or do. And instead of posting a video, or threading a tweet, or keeping your mouth shut in the first place, you scrawl some lousy non-apology apology onto my beautiful, off-white, faux-textured surface.

You screenshot me and expose me to the online elements. It’s happened so many times my name has become synonymous with awkward pleas for forgiveness. I used to be known as the “Notes App” but now I’m known as the “Notes App Apology” filled with bullshit like:

“I’m sorry if anyone was offended”
“I’m sorry if that’s how you interpreted my words and actions”
“I’m sorry I was racist/sexist/homophobic/transphobic/ableist, but it was such a long time ago back in 2013”
“I’m sorry if what I did/said made you feel bad”
“I’m sorry if you felt that what I did was bad”
“I’m sorry if I did do something bad, and I know it was bad, and that’s not what I’m sorry about, I’m just sorry you didn’t like it”
“I’m sorry if you didn’t understand the joke”
“I’m sorry if you HATE jokes”
“I’m sorry if you HATE fun”
“I’m sorry no-one GETS me”

And so on.

We could have had it all — corny one-liners, poorly thought out business ideas, a tracking number for you don’t know what because you only wrote the tracking number.

Next time you want to make an apology, make a video. That way people can see your ‘sorry’ face and hear your ‘sorry’ words. Stop hiding behind me. I’m the Notes App goddammit and I will be treated with the respect I deserve!

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a burgeoning fart joke to attend to.