I Crave Your Clothes Inside Me — A Love Note From Your Hotel Room Dresser
“Well, ‘ello there, guv’nor! Welcome to Room 5129 at the Shades of Green Resort at Walt Disney World!” …Well, this is what I would say if I weren’t, like, a piece of furniture. Obvs, being a hotel room dresser can be boring sometimes, so I daydream a lot!
But did you like my greeting?! I’ve been working on my accent. Like, oh-my-God, you guys, ever since I watched Mary Poppins with the Kirkland family, I’ve been obsessed with being a Chimney Sweep. Dancing with the faerie folk of the London rooftops! The camaraderie!! The freedom!!!
Sigh…
But let’s get real: I don’t need to be free. What I want, what I desire above all things, is a purposeful existence. This is hard because you humans never use me. Especially those of you with the so-called “clamshell design” suitcases. Ugh, God, I can’t stand Rimowa. I agree, they’re hella cute, but why, why would you want to live out of your suitcase when I’m purpose-built to help you sort and organize your clothes??
Back in my early days at the Courtyard Marriott in Miami, I once had Marie Kondo, the ultimate guru of tidying up, stay in my room! My room!! Squee!!! You know what she did? That’s right: she unpacked everything and put it in my drawers. When she did that…
Oh… My… GAWD…
If I could have facial expressions, they’d be like whatever you humans have when you’re on the bed at the climax of your screaming (or moaning, not sure why it’s, like, one or the other, sometimes both; totally inconsistent).
Everything was folded in uniform rectangles, sorted by type, and placed lovingly and efficiently into my drawers in a way that everything was easily accessible. And the color palette!
Oh-My-God-Fuuuuuuuuck! Yes, YES, YESSSS!
Whew… okay… need a moment here… sorry, I get, like, sooo excited when I think back on that moment.
Okay, so enough about my feelings. Let’s talk about how this helps you. Whenever a guest unpacks completely into me (and my BFF, the closet), I see them relax. They totally feel more at home, and there’s less clutter. I can’t tell you how much this affects me and my roommates.
We’ve experienced our most sanguine stays from people who unpack right when they arrive.
On a heartfelt personal note, I’m so jealous when I see you reading on the bed, using the closet, the lamps; I mean, I’m happy for my roommates, but I feel totally, devastatingly touch-starved when all you do is put your keys and wallet on me.
You live out of your suitcase, but your Rimowa will not love your clothes like I will. I mean, like, who else in your life yearns to snuggle your socks? Even the dirty ones! Please, please, please, please, please, please don’t make me beg for your pillowy-soft, all-American Supima® cotton polos.
Anyway, like, help me live my best life! My purpose and calling is to help you relax and enjoy your stay, and baby, it feels so, so good for you to put your clothes inside me! Did I mention that my drawers are on metal slides? It’s like I’m lubricated! From years of listening in on your intimate conversations, I know you like that!
