I used to suffer from horrible insomnia. Night after night, I’d find myself staring at the ceiling as the hours ticked by, unable to find peace. I tried everything from counting sheep to Ambien and found no relief. Then one night, in an exhaustion-induced fugue state, I downloaded Tinder.
It would be the solution to all my problems. Before I had dated men I knew socially or met through mutual friends — mature, responsible guys with “jobs” and “hobbies” and “therapists.” But the men I found on Tinder were immature, emotionally stunted, defensive, and still convinced they could do better than me! Just one date with any one of them was enough to make me curl up under a comforter and fall into an easy, dreamless sleep within minutes.
If you too suffer from insomnia, I highly recommend an evening with any of the following:
The Cryptic Texter
Sleep therapists recommend exercise during the day to wear out your body by nighttime, but in my experience nothing tires out your brain like a text message from Jaxon. Instead of straight forwardly communicating a desire, Jaxon would coat his messages in so much irony, humor, anti-humor, performative detachedness, and random emojis it would take Sherlock Holmes (the Robert Downey Jr one) to decipher his meaning.
Whereas a normal human might say something like “Want to come over later? I’d like to see you” Jaxon would say “come over later if u want, im busy [bread emoji]” I was asleep before I even got to wondering how the bread played into it. Forget Casper — for a good night’s rest, get a Jaxon.
Mike’s bio said he enjoyed progressive politics, but what he really enjoyed was wearing me out with performative outrage to the point where I no longer needed my weighted blanket and eye mask to catch some ZZZs. One day, when I was watching The Office, Mike came in and told me it was “neolib…